It Just Might Be A Lunatic You're Lookin' For

Music is very powerful to me, it affects my moods, narrates my life, and gives me a sense of who I am. The who I am part is fun, since the title of this blog is my theme song sung by Billy Joel :) It's generally Billy Joel who speaks to me. Seriously, I mean he's the one who's got my life down pat. Here's some examples of my life:

Terrified of of dating, and hoping to find that Innocent Man

When I'm mad at men and broken-hearted, I just remember their lack of Honesty.

Captain Jack when I wish I could drink and drown my sorrows. (not putting a link, because it's not so appropriate :)

When I finally get out of a depression I Go To Extremes.

Some days I want to be crazy and paint the town red, because Only The Good Die Young. 

I don't care what other people think, It's Still Rock and Roll To Me.

I'm learning that I'm fine, Just The Way You Are.

Then I started dating Johnathan and I realized I haven't felt this way for The Longest Time.

And sometimes I don't hear from him and I don't know whether he likes me or not! I just want him to Tell Her About It. 

Dating and learning how to date: A Matter Of Trust.

I'm looking for who I am, sometimes I find my answers in The River Of Dreams.

And for the man I marry, I don't need anything because You Are My Home.

You May Be Right, I may be crazy :)

Anyway, he tends to always pop up in my life with great words of wisdom :)

Ode To A Potato

Oh, thou fabulous potato!

How oft have we thought to eat thee?

But every time we tried it was no go,

For thou wert one and we were three.

We kept thee until thou sprouted

And thou no longer seemed tasty,

But Kaylie, undoubted,

Thought the garage for thee wouldst be hasty.

It was she, Kaylie, she that gave thee thy fair face!

Thine eyes of small beadiness, thy tender nose,

And beautiful lips to give thee grace;

And arms in lovely pose.

We dubbed thee Tater, love to thee we gave!

You were our friend, ally, apartment pet;

But that and our love could not save

For finally thy fate thou hast met.

Oh brother potato, thou art gone!

Thou art now buried in that plastic grave,

Filled in with candy wrappers, old food, and so on

With all other things that we could not save.

Farewell, sweet Tater;

May you rest in peace,

And may we see you later

When one day we, too, cease.

Alive!

The time has come for Jaysea to live again. Too long has she wasted in my imagination, waiting to be given a steady life. She’s been with me ever since I read the 2nd Harry Potter book when I was in junior high. I remember when she first popped into existence; I was staying the night at my Grandma Safley's and I was in the spare bedroom with the touch lamp on. It was getting late, but I was reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I was nearing the end, Tom Riddle revealed he was Lord Voldemort and had come up with that name through an anagram. An anagram of your name! What a marvelous idea! And after a few minutes I had gone from "Jenna Marie Safley" to "I am Jay Sea Fennrel." 

She started out as my alter ego, going on adventures through my imagination. I started writing them down, I started describing her how I wished to be seen. She's gone through a few transformations, an athletic elf out to save the world; and elf with green skin, dark green hair and eyes who existed in this world; half elf, half fairy, half nymph, half vampire, half sparkly... oh wait, that's part of being a vampire :) She was always my main character in my fantasies and always did what I wished I could do.

But then she started coming out of the day dream stage and an original story started developing. She became human. She started to have a background, her own personality, her own struggles. She did become a werewolf, as well :) And she started having a future.

I know what the story is, I know where it needs to go. But I'm scared. I've loved writing for so long, and I stopped as soon as I started Jaysea's story. Because I'm fine with writing my crap of randomness, I know it's cheesy and all that. But Jaysea is different. She's been with my so long and she's become her own. I don't want to mess up her story, I want do it justice. 

I started her story when I came home from my mission, almost two years ago, and I haven't written for over a year. It used to me my passion, but I've lost it. And I'm realizing just how much I've lost because of it. 

Has anyone else noticed that when they close off a passion they close off a little bit of themselves? I've grown in so many good ways, but I've also lost bits of myself that take me away from who I truly am. And writing is one of those things. I'm not meant to be cookie-cutter, and I've felt like I have been for a long time.

It's time to be me and it's time for Jaysea to come to life.

The End.

I know you just want the end of this multiple post story. Well the time has come, here it is- ish.

By the time I was to see the improv boy on Friday, I was again wondering what was going on. Was this just going to be a 'friends with benefits' situation? I knew I was going to have to ask him. I don't act so flirty, I don't hold hands, unless this is going to be a relationship. A real one, with talking and communication and not just cuddliness. But I'm so shy! I'm terrified! I'm scared about initiating anything. So I should just put it all on him and in the mean time I'll freak out, right?

Well our bathroom fan was broken so my roommates brother came up to fix it. He's the one in improv boys ward, the reason why I met him. So I decided to play wimp and see if I could glean info from Bryan. And he really didn't help me. He basically told me what I already knew I had to do and didn't want to: I had to ask improv boy!

When I saw him that night we were just comfortable around each other in our hand holding or just being close (again, I can't stay away from physical affection!). After the show I went over to his place for a while and we just sat and kind of cuddled on the couch. I couldn't stay to long, I was going to be headed to Utah right after! But I had to find an opening. Finally, it became clear to me that there was going to be a roommate around and I was not going to get a chance to ask him while we were just sitting there. Hopefully he'll walk me to my car!

I stated that I needed to leave, and so far the plan was working! He was putting on shoes and grabbing his scarf.... and then his roommate and his girlfriend walked up the stairs. He was walking her to her car! Great, we were going to be out there at the same time. I need to ask him! Luckily, we got sidetracked by stargazing long enough for her to drive away and he to go back into the house. Perfect!

We're at my car door, and I know what I have to do. And this is the painful experience that happened:

"I have a question..."

He stares expectantly and I suddenly can't make eye contact and I have to stare in multiple places at once... "um"s and "uh"s sputter out of my mouth... I start talking talking, but I it seems to take me five minutes to ask the following question:

"Is this just fun flirting because I'm conveniently there, or is this going to lead to something... more?"

By the time I got to the end, I'm sure the word "more" came out as a squeak. The whole I'm squirming and I look as if I'm trying to watch a bee who's ferociously buzzing around and I can't take my eyes off it. And all this time he just stares. But then he responds:

"I'm thinking something more."

Whew! Oh my gosh, all of that crazy stress, terrifying feeling, gone! I'm again floating and smiling and it lasted me all the way to Utah. And probably lasted me the trip back to Idaho, as well :)

I went back to Idaho on Sunday. Coming back from Utah, Idaho Falls is right there on the way. I was kind of scared, but I called him! And he said he'd love to have me stop by! His friend was being taught by the missionaries, so that's where we headed. And I really have to say, he's pretty cool. The way he talked about the gospel, it's such a part of him! And really won some points. I wish I could stop and talk about how cool that was for me, but it's turn into a lot of rambling and I still wouldn't be able to describe how attractive that was to me :)

I eventually made it back to Rexburg, and I was floaty and happy! Yay! Okay, I'm going to go quick on the drama part of it:

Tuesday was a horrible day for me. I generally really break down once a week and this was the day for me. Hardly slept, woke up depressed, had a math test looming over me, and then I got on Facebook. And there was a picture of him, my improv boy! on a love sack with his arm around a girl. I was crush, broken hearted, ect! I barely made it through work. Then I had to take my math test. And I failed miserably. Not just didn't do well, but utterly failed in the worst possible way. I went to the art gallery in the Spori building, curled up in a corner, and cried.

The rest of the week, didn't here from the kid. Nothing. I waited and waited and he never texted me or called. But then, I didn't try to contact him, either. But whatever, he needs to be the one acting, right?!

Wednesday night, I met another boy. Short, but way awesome and I loved talking to him! Sweet, I'll give improv boy one more chance, but now I have a back up. This new kid and I really hit it off, and I was realizing that improv boy and I didn't talk like that. We didn't excitedly build off of each other. And that of course would be his fault. I was getting myself ready to get over him.

Friday night I saw the new boy again. Before I went and saw him, I got a call from improv boy. He left a message asking if I was still up for doing something Saturday night. Butterflies appeared. I had been frustrated all week, but suddenly it was all gone. I called him back... and left a message. Oh, well. I'll still see him the next day!

So the new boy was fun and all, but I was excited about improv boy, but new boy would still be on the list. When we parted ways, he invited me to otter pops the next day. I wasn't disappointed when I said I already had plans.

So Saturday happened....

Going into this, I had clear boundaries. I don't act couplish unless I'm dating someone. I needed to know before I let anything happened. Well, I get there and he tells me to close my eyes. I do. Then I open them to see a box of Trix cereal. I turn it over and there's a cut out Batman mask on it! He got me a box of Trix just because I love Batman. My defenses were down.

The rest of the night we were definitely a couple. Playing Just Dance 3, laser tag, Settlers of Catan, and then watching Firefly with his roommate. And when we watched Firefly, he laid down on the love sack. I knew I shouldn't, nothing was defined! And so I laid down right next to him. And it was so comfortable.

After Firefly, his roommate went upstairs and it was just me and him laying there. Okay, I'm going to figure out what this is!

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Do you do this with girls often?"

"What?"

"This. Do you do this with girls often?"

"No, just the ones I like. And right now there's just one."

pause


"Are you going to date me?"

"I like that, that's a good idea."

"Can that start now?"

"Sure."

And thus has started my adventure with my second ever boyfriend.

Part 3, With a Happier Ending (but still not the end)

So I went to an improv show on Thursday, and afterwards went to lunch with the improv boy. And I had fun. We sat for about 2 hours in a booth hard core flirting (people could see us!). Lots of hands touching, face touching, weird public flirting. And as he walked me out me my car we kind of held hands. You know the timid little two-finger holding when you want to but not sure if the other person wants to? Which is really dumb, because if the other person didn't want to hold your hand then you wouldn't even be touching those two little fingers. But how many of us have our brains working when the butterflies are around?

Oh, and I mention that he brought me a Valentine! (Keep in mind that is is two days after Valentines, almost a month ago!) It was a heart shaped Sponge Bob box full of Dove chocolate! Oh, perfect :) And he invited me to perform with his improv troupe the next week, and to practice on Wednesday! Improv! I'm won over.

When he walked me to my car I asked him when he was going to ask me on another date. He was obviously a little taken aback and fumbled around with an answer: "Uh, I want was going to keep that a suprise..." (I am obviously not impressed by this answer. "Or not... um, what are you doing this weekend?" I didn't have any plans at the moment, but I might make some. "I'll call you and we'll figure something out." Yippee, a date!

Well, I was having a pretty good rest of my day :) And the next day I was still floating. But then started wearing off: it was Friday, and I didn't hear from him. Then it was Saturday, and I still didn't hear from him. And then I started getting annoyed. What am I, just a girl to be messed with? Finally, I get a message from him on Facebook on Sunday, reminding me about the improv practice on Wednesday. I don't think I replied, but I was planning on going still. I mean, improv! I love improv! And that's all the communication I had with him until Wednesday. After class I had a missed message from him, which kind of melted my heart a little. He said that he was calling, but he didn't know why he was calling because I was in class, so he'll just see me later. Okay, Jenna, be strong!

Yeah, right.

I get to the practice and he's around me, and smells good... But that's not the point. There was a tiny bit of flirting going on, not too noticeable. After the practice he invited me to watch him play basketball. Okay, I like being around him, and maybe I can figure out what the heck is going on, right?

Side note: An elder from my mission was at basketball practice! Elder Price is in this improv kids ward, and so I got to spend a little time chatting with him. Loved it!

Back to story: After basketball we got hot chocolate and went over to his place.... and ended up on a love sack... It's a big one, and his roommate and his girlfriend were there, so nothing sketch happened. But after we were done with hot chocolate, my hand was there, and he grabbed it, and then interdigitation happened! And I let it! Because it felt good!

Okay, again, I lose my head around guys! Really, that's not something that's me! Okay, I guess it is, because I do this often with guys. I mean, with ones that I like. I turn puppy dog and will follow their lead. 'm not strong enough to resist! And I was the one that would get after my dear roommate many years ago for acting the same way. She just fell in, she couldn't resist. I would talk to her about being strong, creating boundaries. But when it comes right down to it, I love physical affect from a guy I like.

So, we were the, on the love sack, holding hands and slightly cuddling. And I left floating, thinking all good things.

But the story is still not over. This is taking a lot longer than what I thought. I still have a whole week of frustration. I mean, we haven't even gotten to that fateful math test alluded to in my first post about boys.
Stay tuned....

More About Bothersome Boys

My last post was being written when I was under a lot of frustration, and was going to head into a rant. But today my frustrations with boys have lessened greatly :) Apparently my actions around boys aren't so freakazoid as what I thought. Apparently I can be likable! But I'm getting a head of myself. I guess to finish the rest of my story I'll have to go back to my moments of drama...

I really enjoyed our date together. Maybe the fact that I showed up with low expectations helped out, but I left really happy about how my night was spent. We ended up making snow angles and walking around in the falling snow, and watched the snow falling in light of the street lamps. I don't know if he was trying to hold my hand or not, he kept touching it and commenting on how cold it was, but it didn't happen. But he told me he thought I was cute and he liked my short hair. Now that was so great for me! I'm so used to guys telling me that longer hair is more attractive. But here is a guy who thinks I'm cute with my short hair! That meant a lot to me, and really won him some points.

The next weekend a group of us went down to IF for dinner and a movie. I invited him along, and he was there! But I really have the problem that I can't flirt with guys that I find attractive, and I had started liking this guy. Great, I blew it. He wasn't going to think that I was interested, I tried so hard to to act like I wasn't! Oh, agony! I've done it again, let someone get away. But I've been so sick of those "what if"s that I made a goal to do the hard thing, the scary thing. And I did. I Facebooked him and told him that he was cool and I liked being around him. Okay, so I took the wimpy way to tell him, but it was still scary! And he said that he enjoyed being around me! Okay, so no "what if" here.

Well, a couple weeks happened and we messaged each other on Facebook, but that's all that was happening. Seriously, this kid needs to ask me out! Again I invite him to something, my Valentines Day/ Lady and the Tramp Party. I was getting frustrated because no dates= no interest. So was he just being flirtatious with his cute new gal pal? The party was going to be his last chance. I was going to ask him straight up if he was going to ask me on another date. If not, the end.

He came and he didn't make an effort to talk to anyone else, just be around me. I didn't mind, my heart melted pretty fast when I saw him again. And we definitely flirted it up. I mean it was kind of a bid deal for me, people could tell we were flirting and that's just not how I usually am. So by the time we needed to say good night, I was liking this kid even some more. And he before he left, he asked me what I was doing that Thurday....

Because he wanted to invite me to his improv show! Seriously?! There's that trend. Not a date, but lets meet again in Rigby and you can watch me be funny. But at the time of his asking me I was a little bit twitterpated and the dog came out, "Yes, I will go. I will follow you." Can't he just ask me on a date? Make it easy for me, pursue me or drop me. And by pursuing I mean slay dragons, move the world, drive up to Rexburg and take me out on a normal date.

I have to take time out of this story to explain something frustrating about my life: I'm expected to work for what I want. Seriously! Who has to do that? Okay, so it makes sense. But with boys, why? It's their job to come after me. But for a really long time I've felt like the ball is in my court, and if there was anything going to happen with this guy I'd started to like I was going to have to not play the damsel in distress. (Just a disclaimer, because later on in this story we'll see my frustration because I chose to wait for him to act (again) so I'm still learning these lessons that I've realized I need to learn).

I think the rest is going to be finished up in my next post. Where *dramatic voice* I will reach the height of my dramatic self involving laughter, tears, and a math test. But stay tuned for the good ending :)

Boys Bother Again

Life lately has been interesting: I can't get boys out of my head! I guess that shouldn't really come as a surprise since I am incredibly boy crazy. And not the boy crazy where I can flirt it up with all the cute guys and land myself a date every night. The awkward teenager boy crazy. I like guys, some of them can be so attractive and give me butterflies, I turn all giggly and suddenly all real thought leaves my brain, I can't think I can only ogle and smile. Or just stare. Staring happens a lot.

Such as lately.

Our story starts on New Years Eve. My wonderful roommate's brother lives in Idaho Falls and invited us down for a New Years Eve party and them to their singles dance. I didn't really want to go, I wanted to go to the dance in Rexburg. She joked with me about my man being down in IF, but I would never want to date anyone there, because it's a whole 30 minutes away! But I decided to go as long as we could end the night at our Rexburg dance. So Idaho Falls here we came! And guess what, I met this guy there. And should have guessed he'd cause trouble in my life.

He was cute, had the thick rimmed glasses and was wearing a scarf. We started talking a bit, found out he was an artist, and he did improv. Great. Improv. Seriously Jenna, big red flag right there. I've been around improv guys for a long time. I've dated some and watched them date and know there's a reason why they stay single for so long. But there's something about a guy who does improv, I can't help myself, I find them so attractive.  But he's in Idaho Falls, so whatever! I was pretty normal and mostly myself around him, because I figured nothing would go beyond New Years. So had fun in IF and finished the night in Rexburg.

In Rexburg, the dance not so awesome. Nobody really danced, and it was really kind of lame. But life got so much better when it was over! Lights turn on and there's a little more mingling happenin' and there's three new guys numbers in my phone. And pretty cute boys, at that. And, I was hyped up from the night so I acted pretty Jenna normal and didn't freak out around them. I was going to be pretty safe from improv boy.

Well, I texted the guys, I hung out with them a couple of times. But no dates. No date, no interest. The end. And I only saw inprov boy a week after I met him the first time and flirted, but no numbers exchanged. Okay, sweet. Another friend to add to the books. But then I couldn't really get him off my mind. One, because I really did find him attractive. Two, the others.

No, not Lost. I'm just talking about the comments of others. For example: my roommate, "You guys look like you'd be really cute together. He's such a fun guy, Jenna. I really approve of him." Her brother, "When I first met him I thought he'd be perfect for you! Plus, he said he thought you were pretty cool." The seed was planted and the crush was born.

Eventually he Facebooked me and asked for my number and a date that weekend. One, date was really short notice. Two, the date was to go watch his improv troupe perform. Can I say TREND? I even called this. I saw it all the time with all the improv guys I ever new. "Hey, so come to my show and we'll call it a date and then you'll be impressed with my awesome abilities to be funny." or "Yeah, I thought we'd go watch the guys I perform with because it will impress you and I don't have to pay." I'd go on a date with this kid, it could be fun. But he is so not impressing me.

I got there (I drove down because the show was between where we both lived). And I saw him. And the butterflies started! Then the stupid grin. Before I new what had happened to be my IQ was down to that have a trampled mushroom. I have no idea if trampled mushrooms have IQ's, but I really did resemble one in the way I acted. I went quiet, and shy, and suddenly I was like, "You do improv, that is soo cool. You must be funny." The ditsy blonde started to shine and I become this follower of "Whatever you do is so cool and I can't be as cool as you so I'll just be your puppy dog and follow you around."

It's true, I act like a puppy dog. Have a guy show a little interest and some physical affection and then I'm Dug from UP. "You are my master and I love you because you are my master." I have no idea how to express whining in writing, but that's what I'm doing right now as I recall my pathetic actions around guys.

I'm guessing that this is going to be part one. The rest of the story is going to involve the trauma of the last two paragraphs, but also some other things I've been noticing on how I react around guys. Maybe one day I will truly learn.