I used to be scared of death, but I thought that I was through with that now. But standing alone in a room today with a dying man brought those fears back. I'm not sure what it is that I'm really scared of, but as I sat for a moment in Earl's room listening to the gargle of his breathing, I was scared.
Earl is a resident at the Homestead and he's been there as long as I have. He's such a funny guy and he's also tried to escape more than a few times. He has Alzheimers, but still a wonderful sense of humor. He was always sitting out in the main area trying to get the girls to come talk to him. Some days he thought he was in high school and wanted to hang out with the cute girls rather than be around "those grandmas". More than a few times as I was there all alone at night and he'd sneak up behind me and scare the life outta me. He sure got a kick out of that every time!
But Sunday something happened. He was taken to the hospital, had a mini stroke or something. But when he got back, he refused to get out of his bed. He started to refuse all of his pills, and he stopped talking. And that's how he's been since.
Today his family is all coming to say their goodbyes, and when they leave they're just going to turn off his oxygen and let him go.
It's really all so peaceful, so why was I so scared? Why does a dying person scare me? Seeing Earl gasping in air, seeing that he's basically gone before he's gone, maybe that's the fear. Being alive yet not living. Breathing, but dead. It's where I saw nothing. No animated body, or even the thought of a free spirit, but a spirit that was trapped. Maybe I'm scared because I just don't know what happens right at the end of life.
I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, I have no reason to fear being dead. Just the getting there :) But really, I love the fact that I know why we have to die and that I can see all those people that I love once more. I'm so excited to meet these people from the Homestead in heaven! I can't wait to see what they're really like, who they really are with out their minds being affected.