I used to be scared of death, but I thought that I was through with that now. But standing alone in a room today with a dying man brought those fears back. I'm not sure what it is that I'm really scared of, but as I sat for a moment in Earl's room listening to the gargle of his breathing, I was scared.
Earl is a resident at the Homestead and he's been there as long as I have. He's such a funny guy and he's also tried to escape more than a few times. He has Alzheimers, but still a wonderful sense of humor. He was always sitting out in the main area trying to get the girls to come talk to him. Some days he thought he was in high school and wanted to hang out with the cute girls rather than be around "those grandmas". More than a few times as I was there all alone at night and he'd sneak up behind me and scare the life outta me. He sure got a kick out of that every time!
But Sunday something happened. He was taken to the hospital, had a mini stroke or something. But when he got back, he refused to get out of his bed. He started to refuse all of his pills, and he stopped talking. And that's how he's been since.
Today his family is all coming to say their goodbyes, and when they leave they're just going to turn off his oxygen and let him go.
It's really all so peaceful, so why was I so scared? Why does a dying person scare me? Seeing Earl gasping in air, seeing that he's basically gone before he's gone, maybe that's the fear. Being alive yet not living. Breathing, but dead. It's where I saw nothing. No animated body, or even the thought of a free spirit, but a spirit that was trapped. Maybe I'm scared because I just don't know what happens right at the end of life.
I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, I have no reason to fear being dead. Just the getting there :) But really, I love the fact that I know why we have to die and that I can see all those people that I love once more. I'm so excited to meet these people from the Homestead in heaven! I can't wait to see what they're really like, who they really are with out their minds being affected.
Dwelling on death can be kind of scary – dwelling on anything I don’t fully understand, actually. Fear of the unknown, maybe? But you’re certainly right in saying that it’s more frightening to be living, but practically dead. Thinking of getting old and losing certain mental and physical capabilities is scary! Stories where people lose memory of family and much of their life scare me....
ReplyDeleteIt think it’s a relief to those we love when we can let them go. Just because a person is breathing doesn’t mean they’re truly living. My step-grandpa lived with us in his last months, and I remember when he finally couldn’t even talk to us. I think sometimes he knew we were there, but the point came where he just wasn’t aware, and it was time to let go. Of course, it takes family counsel and prayer. I support the idea that when a person is alive there is still hope, so prayer is key in the matter (as it is in most matters).
Anyway, stories like that are sad, but I think that because of what we know of the Lord’s plan for us, it also brings a sense of hope and peace. Strange to connect hope with death, but we really can, since we believe there is more after death.