So I went to an improv show on Thursday, and afterwards went to lunch with the improv boy. And I had fun. We sat for about 2 hours in a booth hard core flirting (people could see us!). Lots of hands touching, face touching, weird public flirting. And as he walked me out me my car we kind of held hands. You know the timid little two-finger holding when you want to but not sure if the other person wants to? Which is really dumb, because if the other person didn't want to hold your hand then you wouldn't even be touching those two little fingers. But how many of us have our brains working when the butterflies are around?
Oh, and I mention that he brought me a Valentine! (Keep in mind that is is two days after Valentines, almost a month ago!) It was a heart shaped Sponge Bob box full of Dove chocolate! Oh, perfect :) And he invited me to perform with his improv troupe the next week, and to practice on Wednesday! Improv! I'm won over.
When he walked me to my car I asked him when he was going to ask me on another date. He was obviously a little taken aback and fumbled around with an answer: "Uh, I want was going to keep that a suprise..." (I am obviously not impressed by this answer. "Or not... um, what are you doing this weekend?" I didn't have any plans at the moment, but I might make some. "I'll call you and we'll figure something out." Yippee, a date!
Well, I was having a pretty good rest of my day :) And the next day I was still floating. But then started wearing off: it was Friday, and I didn't hear from him. Then it was Saturday, and I still didn't hear from him. And then I started getting annoyed. What am I, just a girl to be messed with? Finally, I get a message from him on Facebook on Sunday, reminding me about the improv practice on Wednesday. I don't think I replied, but I was planning on going still. I mean, improv! I love improv! And that's all the communication I had with him until Wednesday. After class I had a missed message from him, which kind of melted my heart a little. He said that he was calling, but he didn't know why he was calling because I was in class, so he'll just see me later. Okay, Jenna, be strong!
Yeah, right.
I get to the practice and he's around me, and smells good... But that's not the point. There was a tiny bit of flirting going on, not too noticeable. After the practice he invited me to watch him play basketball. Okay, I like being around him, and maybe I can figure out what the heck is going on, right?
Side note: An elder from my mission was at basketball practice! Elder Price is in this improv kids ward, and so I got to spend a little time chatting with him. Loved it!
Back to story: After basketball we got hot chocolate and went over to his place.... and ended up on a love sack... It's a big one, and his roommate and his girlfriend were there, so nothing sketch happened. But after we were done with hot chocolate, my hand was there, and he grabbed it, and then interdigitation happened! And I let it! Because it felt good!
Okay, again, I lose my head around guys! Really, that's not something that's me! Okay, I guess it is, because I do this often with guys. I mean, with ones that I like. I turn puppy dog and will follow their lead. 'm not strong enough to resist! And I was the one that would get after my dear roommate many years ago for acting the same way. She just fell in, she couldn't resist. I would talk to her about being strong, creating boundaries. But when it comes right down to it, I love physical affect from a guy I like.
So, we were the, on the love sack, holding hands and slightly cuddling. And I left floating, thinking all good things.
But the story is still not over. This is taking a lot longer than what I thought. I still have a whole week of frustration. I mean, we haven't even gotten to that fateful math test alluded to in my first post about boys.
Stay tuned....
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
More About Bothersome Boys
My last post was being written when I was under a lot of frustration, and was going to head into a rant. But today my frustrations with boys have lessened greatly :) Apparently my actions around boys aren't so freakazoid as what I thought. Apparently I can be likable! But I'm getting a head of myself. I guess to finish the rest of my story I'll have to go back to my moments of drama...
I really enjoyed our date together. Maybe the fact that I showed up with low expectations helped out, but I left really happy about how my night was spent. We ended up making snow angles and walking around in the falling snow, and watched the snow falling in light of the street lamps. I don't know if he was trying to hold my hand or not, he kept touching it and commenting on how cold it was, but it didn't happen. But he told me he thought I was cute and he liked my short hair. Now that was so great for me! I'm so used to guys telling me that longer hair is more attractive. But here is a guy who thinks I'm cute with my short hair! That meant a lot to me, and really won him some points.
The next weekend a group of us went down to IF for dinner and a movie. I invited him along, and he was there! But I really have the problem that I can't flirt with guys that I find attractive, and I had started liking this guy. Great, I blew it. He wasn't going to think that I was interested, I tried so hard to to act like I wasn't! Oh, agony! I've done it again, let someone get away. But I've been so sick of those "what if"s that I made a goal to do the hard thing, the scary thing. And I did. I Facebooked him and told him that he was cool and I liked being around him. Okay, so I took the wimpy way to tell him, but it was still scary! And he said that he enjoyed being around me! Okay, so no "what if" here.
Well, a couple weeks happened and we messaged each other on Facebook, but that's all that was happening. Seriously, this kid needs to ask me out! Again I invite him to something, my Valentines Day/ Lady and the Tramp Party. I was getting frustrated because no dates= no interest. So was he just being flirtatious with his cute new gal pal? The party was going to be his last chance. I was going to ask him straight up if he was going to ask me on another date. If not, the end.
He came and he didn't make an effort to talk to anyone else, just be around me. I didn't mind, my heart melted pretty fast when I saw him again. And we definitely flirted it up. I mean it was kind of a bid deal for me, people could tell we were flirting and that's just not how I usually am. So by the time we needed to say good night, I was liking this kid even some more. And he before he left, he asked me what I was doing that Thurday....
Because he wanted to invite me to his improv show! Seriously?! There's that trend. Not a date, but lets meet again in Rigby and you can watch me be funny. But at the time of his asking me I was a little bit twitterpated and the dog came out, "Yes, I will go. I will follow you." Can't he just ask me on a date? Make it easy for me, pursue me or drop me. And by pursuing I mean slay dragons, move the world, drive up to Rexburg and take me out on a normal date.
I have to take time out of this story to explain something frustrating about my life: I'm expected to work for what I want. Seriously! Who has to do that? Okay, so it makes sense. But with boys, why? It's their job to come after me. But for a really long time I've felt like the ball is in my court, and if there was anything going to happen with this guy I'd started to like I was going to have to not play the damsel in distress. (Just a disclaimer, because later on in this story we'll see my frustration because I chose to wait for him to act (again) so I'm still learning these lessons that I've realized I need to learn).
I think the rest is going to be finished up in my next post. Where *dramatic voice* I will reach the height of my dramatic self involving laughter, tears, and a math test. But stay tuned for the good ending :)
I really enjoyed our date together. Maybe the fact that I showed up with low expectations helped out, but I left really happy about how my night was spent. We ended up making snow angles and walking around in the falling snow, and watched the snow falling in light of the street lamps. I don't know if he was trying to hold my hand or not, he kept touching it and commenting on how cold it was, but it didn't happen. But he told me he thought I was cute and he liked my short hair. Now that was so great for me! I'm so used to guys telling me that longer hair is more attractive. But here is a guy who thinks I'm cute with my short hair! That meant a lot to me, and really won him some points.
The next weekend a group of us went down to IF for dinner and a movie. I invited him along, and he was there! But I really have the problem that I can't flirt with guys that I find attractive, and I had started liking this guy. Great, I blew it. He wasn't going to think that I was interested, I tried so hard to to act like I wasn't! Oh, agony! I've done it again, let someone get away. But I've been so sick of those "what if"s that I made a goal to do the hard thing, the scary thing. And I did. I Facebooked him and told him that he was cool and I liked being around him. Okay, so I took the wimpy way to tell him, but it was still scary! And he said that he enjoyed being around me! Okay, so no "what if" here.
Well, a couple weeks happened and we messaged each other on Facebook, but that's all that was happening. Seriously, this kid needs to ask me out! Again I invite him to something, my Valentines Day/ Lady and the Tramp Party. I was getting frustrated because no dates= no interest. So was he just being flirtatious with his cute new gal pal? The party was going to be his last chance. I was going to ask him straight up if he was going to ask me on another date. If not, the end.
He came and he didn't make an effort to talk to anyone else, just be around me. I didn't mind, my heart melted pretty fast when I saw him again. And we definitely flirted it up. I mean it was kind of a bid deal for me, people could tell we were flirting and that's just not how I usually am. So by the time we needed to say good night, I was liking this kid even some more. And he before he left, he asked me what I was doing that Thurday....
Because he wanted to invite me to his improv show! Seriously?! There's that trend. Not a date, but lets meet again in Rigby and you can watch me be funny. But at the time of his asking me I was a little bit twitterpated and the dog came out, "Yes, I will go. I will follow you." Can't he just ask me on a date? Make it easy for me, pursue me or drop me. And by pursuing I mean slay dragons, move the world, drive up to Rexburg and take me out on a normal date.
I have to take time out of this story to explain something frustrating about my life: I'm expected to work for what I want. Seriously! Who has to do that? Okay, so it makes sense. But with boys, why? It's their job to come after me. But for a really long time I've felt like the ball is in my court, and if there was anything going to happen with this guy I'd started to like I was going to have to not play the damsel in distress. (Just a disclaimer, because later on in this story we'll see my frustration because I chose to wait for him to act (again) so I'm still learning these lessons that I've realized I need to learn).
I think the rest is going to be finished up in my next post. Where *dramatic voice* I will reach the height of my dramatic self involving laughter, tears, and a math test. But stay tuned for the good ending :)
Friday, March 2, 2012
Boys Bother Again
Life lately has been interesting: I can't get boys out of my head! I guess that shouldn't really come as a surprise since I am incredibly boy crazy. And not the boy crazy where I can flirt it up with all the cute guys and land myself a date every night. The awkward teenager boy crazy. I like guys, some of them can be so attractive and give me butterflies, I turn all giggly and suddenly all real thought leaves my brain, I can't think I can only ogle and smile. Or just stare. Staring happens a lot.
Such as lately.
Our story starts on New Years Eve. My wonderful roommate's brother lives in Idaho Falls and invited us down for a New Years Eve party and them to their singles dance. I didn't really want to go, I wanted to go to the dance in Rexburg. She joked with me about my man being down in IF, but I would never want to date anyone there, because it's a whole 30 minutes away! But I decided to go as long as we could end the night at our Rexburg dance. So Idaho Falls here we came! And guess what, I met this guy there. And should have guessed he'd cause trouble in my life.
He was cute, had the thick rimmed glasses and was wearing a scarf. We started talking a bit, found out he was an artist, and he did improv. Great. Improv. Seriously Jenna, big red flag right there. I've been around improv guys for a long time. I've dated some and watched them date and know there's a reason why they stay single for so long. But there's something about a guy who does improv, I can't help myself, I find them so attractive. But he's in Idaho Falls, so whatever! I was pretty normal and mostly myself around him, because I figured nothing would go beyond New Years. So had fun in IF and finished the night in Rexburg.
In Rexburg, the dance not so awesome. Nobody really danced, and it was really kind of lame. But life got so much better when it was over! Lights turn on and there's a little more mingling happenin' and there's three new guys numbers in my phone. And pretty cute boys, at that. And, I was hyped up from the night so I acted pretty Jenna normal and didn't freak out around them. I was going to be pretty safe from improv boy.
Well, I texted the guys, I hung out with them a couple of times. But no dates. No date, no interest. The end. And I only saw inprov boy a week after I met him the first time and flirted, but no numbers exchanged. Okay, sweet. Another friend to add to the books. But then I couldn't really get him off my mind. One, because I really did find him attractive. Two, the others.
No, not Lost. I'm just talking about the comments of others. For example: my roommate, "You guys look like you'd be really cute together. He's such a fun guy, Jenna. I really approve of him." Her brother, "When I first met him I thought he'd be perfect for you! Plus, he said he thought you were pretty cool." The seed was planted and the crush was born.
Eventually he Facebooked me and asked for my number and a date that weekend. One, date was really short notice. Two, the date was to go watch his improv troupe perform. Can I say TREND? I even called this. I saw it all the time with all the improv guys I ever new. "Hey, so come to my show and we'll call it a date and then you'll be impressed with my awesome abilities to be funny." or "Yeah, I thought we'd go watch the guys I perform with because it will impress you and I don't have to pay." I'd go on a date with this kid, it could be fun. But he is so not impressing me.
I got there (I drove down because the show was between where we both lived). And I saw him. And the butterflies started! Then the stupid grin. Before I new what had happened to be my IQ was down to that have a trampled mushroom. I have no idea if trampled mushrooms have IQ's, but I really did resemble one in the way I acted. I went quiet, and shy, and suddenly I was like, "You do improv, that is soo cool. You must be funny." The ditsy blonde started to shine and I become this follower of "Whatever you do is so cool and I can't be as cool as you so I'll just be your puppy dog and follow you around."
It's true, I act like a puppy dog. Have a guy show a little interest and some physical affection and then I'm Dug from UP. "You are my master and I love you because you are my master." I have no idea how to express whining in writing, but that's what I'm doing right now as I recall my pathetic actions around guys.
I'm guessing that this is going to be part one. The rest of the story is going to involve the trauma of the last two paragraphs, but also some other things I've been noticing on how I react around guys. Maybe one day I will truly learn.
Such as lately.
Our story starts on New Years Eve. My wonderful roommate's brother lives in Idaho Falls and invited us down for a New Years Eve party and them to their singles dance. I didn't really want to go, I wanted to go to the dance in Rexburg. She joked with me about my man being down in IF, but I would never want to date anyone there, because it's a whole 30 minutes away! But I decided to go as long as we could end the night at our Rexburg dance. So Idaho Falls here we came! And guess what, I met this guy there. And should have guessed he'd cause trouble in my life.
He was cute, had the thick rimmed glasses and was wearing a scarf. We started talking a bit, found out he was an artist, and he did improv. Great. Improv. Seriously Jenna, big red flag right there. I've been around improv guys for a long time. I've dated some and watched them date and know there's a reason why they stay single for so long. But there's something about a guy who does improv, I can't help myself, I find them so attractive. But he's in Idaho Falls, so whatever! I was pretty normal and mostly myself around him, because I figured nothing would go beyond New Years. So had fun in IF and finished the night in Rexburg.
In Rexburg, the dance not so awesome. Nobody really danced, and it was really kind of lame. But life got so much better when it was over! Lights turn on and there's a little more mingling happenin' and there's three new guys numbers in my phone. And pretty cute boys, at that. And, I was hyped up from the night so I acted pretty Jenna normal and didn't freak out around them. I was going to be pretty safe from improv boy.
Well, I texted the guys, I hung out with them a couple of times. But no dates. No date, no interest. The end. And I only saw inprov boy a week after I met him the first time and flirted, but no numbers exchanged. Okay, sweet. Another friend to add to the books. But then I couldn't really get him off my mind. One, because I really did find him attractive. Two, the others.
No, not Lost. I'm just talking about the comments of others. For example: my roommate, "You guys look like you'd be really cute together. He's such a fun guy, Jenna. I really approve of him." Her brother, "When I first met him I thought he'd be perfect for you! Plus, he said he thought you were pretty cool." The seed was planted and the crush was born.
Eventually he Facebooked me and asked for my number and a date that weekend. One, date was really short notice. Two, the date was to go watch his improv troupe perform. Can I say TREND? I even called this. I saw it all the time with all the improv guys I ever new. "Hey, so come to my show and we'll call it a date and then you'll be impressed with my awesome abilities to be funny." or "Yeah, I thought we'd go watch the guys I perform with because it will impress you and I don't have to pay." I'd go on a date with this kid, it could be fun. But he is so not impressing me.
I got there (I drove down because the show was between where we both lived). And I saw him. And the butterflies started! Then the stupid grin. Before I new what had happened to be my IQ was down to that have a trampled mushroom. I have no idea if trampled mushrooms have IQ's, but I really did resemble one in the way I acted. I went quiet, and shy, and suddenly I was like, "You do improv, that is soo cool. You must be funny." The ditsy blonde started to shine and I become this follower of "Whatever you do is so cool and I can't be as cool as you so I'll just be your puppy dog and follow you around."
It's true, I act like a puppy dog. Have a guy show a little interest and some physical affection and then I'm Dug from UP. "You are my master and I love you because you are my master." I have no idea how to express whining in writing, but that's what I'm doing right now as I recall my pathetic actions around guys.
I'm guessing that this is going to be part one. The rest of the story is going to involve the trauma of the last two paragraphs, but also some other things I've been noticing on how I react around guys. Maybe one day I will truly learn.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Season's of Love
Happy (almost) Valentine's Day! It's a time that most single adults dread, or try to deny the existence of. In high school I would celebrate by wearing orange and we'd call it S.A.D: Singles Awareness Day. I spent years griping about how stupid of a holiday it was and how lucky I am to be single, yet all the while secretly loving its cheesy romanticness. I'm pretty sure that's about the same for every single adult. We really want to have a Valentine, we don't want to be single, and we envy those that aren't alone. One day I realized, I'm not alone!
Valentine's Day is about love, and I am surrounded by people I love! It doesn't have to be that fantastical guy I dream about; the one who magically shows up on my doorstep with roses and chocolate. But what about my family and my friends? I was always unhappy and disappointed every year because I felt like I was alone, I wasn't cute, nobody liked me, go out to the garden and eat worms... But my family loves me, and I love them. I am not alone there. I have wonderful friends near and far (Japan, baby!) who are still my friends after knowing me for a long time. Now that's love right there! And what about all my single friends who sit at home, doing the same thing that I've been doing for years on Valentine's Day: "hating" it! We should band together! And we did this year!
I created a tradition a few years ago to watch Lady and the Tramp every Valentine's Day. It's cute, romantic, and all around fun! This year I decided that I was not going to watch it alone and turned it into an awesome party, complete with a spaghetti and meatball dinner. And it was so much fun!
Now, I really do love Valentine's Day and the people that are around me. Which is funny, because now I can admit that I don't like being single. Well, I kind of do, ish. But that's just a different post entirely. Let's just go with the fact that I'm single and that is a situation that I'd love to change. And another topic that is worth it's own post (and totally related to my Lady and the Tramp party last night) is guys acting interested and never asking a girl on dates. Is he interested? I have no idea.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Actual blogging?
Not that anyone reads this, but I feel bad about not blogging. I mean, it's my history! And a way out of actual journaling. Thus far, I haven't been blogging or journaling. But that all is about to change (hopefully) with the fact that it's now an assignment. Yes, it's true. My sociology class requires me to document my own life that I might be prepared to write a paper on myself at the end of the semester. What better assignment than one all about me?
So on the subject of me :)
I am in school! I'm sure that was guessed by the fact I have a sociology class, but that still does not take away the wonderful joy that I am a student! Okay, sometimes it's not all that joyful, but I've been waiting so long to get back into school. It was a long, arduous process, but I fought my way into BYU-I and I'm stuck there. I'm serious. I'm not leaving, because the transferring there was hard enough I'm not going through that again.
I'm also living in a fabulous apartment with even more fabulous roommates! We have fun times. Mostly when we're supposed to be going to bed because that's usually when we're all home. We may keep each other up a bit, and feel a bit sleep deprived because of it, but I say it's worth it!
Job: yes, I have one! I work for a guy in my ward. I call online retailers and ask them to sell our product. It's called Monkey Bar Storage. What an awesome name is that? I really love the job and work with some super cool people. I tend to get made fun of a lot, but I don't seem to be able to get the ditsy blonde out of me. I really act like a ditz there. I'm pretty sure I'm ridiculous.
Well, that is really the quick nutshell version of things for now, but the goal is a once a week update. Lets do this!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Jenna is coming to town!
These last couple of months... wow. So much keeps happening. It's crazy, because thing after thing keeps falling through, falling apart. But because it does something else works out. Something that I don't expect but is better than what I wanted in the first place.
Right now, I'm getting ready to move into town! Yes! I've been staying out in Hibbard since I came to Rexburg, which is about a 15 minute drive to town. First, I was with Emily Rigby and her family. I love them! But I could live with them forever. Then I moved up the road to live with Holly Bryan, a girl in my ward who was looking for a roommate. Holly's great. She's one of the funniest people I've met. But between the gas used and the fat that I hardly ever see her, I think the best thing to do would be move into town.
I'm going to be living with two of the sweetest people I know. First, there's Kaylie Walker. The place that we're moving into is actually her brothers apartment. He moved down to IF and another roommate moved to Seattle. So one more is just finishing moving out and then us girls gets to move in! And then Emily Rigby is moving in as well!
So, I'm way super excited about being able to move into town. Finally, a place to settle down.
Right now, I'm getting ready to move into town! Yes! I've been staying out in Hibbard since I came to Rexburg, which is about a 15 minute drive to town. First, I was with Emily Rigby and her family. I love them! But I could live with them forever. Then I moved up the road to live with Holly Bryan, a girl in my ward who was looking for a roommate. Holly's great. She's one of the funniest people I've met. But between the gas used and the fat that I hardly ever see her, I think the best thing to do would be move into town.
I'm going to be living with two of the sweetest people I know. First, there's Kaylie Walker. The place that we're moving into is actually her brothers apartment. He moved down to IF and another roommate moved to Seattle. So one more is just finishing moving out and then us girls gets to move in! And then Emily Rigby is moving in as well!
So, I'm way super excited about being able to move into town. Finally, a place to settle down.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Homeless...
Yes, I've made it to Rexburg! Just one problem: I have no where to live... I've been doing pretty good, staying around with friends. Mostly my friend Emily and her family. When I got up here a couple weeks ago, I had work that weekend, but no place to stay. I filled my car as much as I could, but kept the back seat clear of bulky objects, so I could sleep back there. I was moving to Rexburg to be homeless.
When I would really think about it I was scared. I didn't want to live in my car. I didn't want to live off of peanut butter (that's the only food item I took with me). So many times, when I really thought about this craziness, I thought about backing out. I mean, Utah would be so much easier. I'd just need to find a job, but I already had a place to live (for free!) and I could be starting right back at UVU this fall. Why would I go to Rexburg?!
But then when I really thought about who I want to be, the person I want to become, I realized I had to go. I couldn't think about it, but follow the promptings and just act. Do the hard thing. Here's where one of the many lessons from my mission came into play. When the Spirit speaks= act, even if it might seem crazy. Being homeless seems crazy to me.
I spent my first night at Maren and Missy's place, but had planned to sleep in my car Saturday night. Saturday I went to hang out with Emily. Through the course of the evening her mom found out that I was planning to sleep in my car. They quickly found a place for me. I'm so grateful for them for letting me stay there. And it kind of worked out. I'm still "homeless" because it's a temporary fix until I find a place. But for now, it works.
In the mean time, crazy awesome things have happened! (Really, I've been seeing miracles in things working out). First, as I was terrified about coming up here and not working, once I made the decision to be here I got a call asking for me to fill in for someone. Sweet, I already had work! Since it was back at the Homestead, it doesn't pay well and I don't have a shift. So I've got job hunting. I've really wanted to work with trouble youth, so I've been trying to find work at the juvey detention center.
There's a couple up in St. Anthony, and one was hiring. I drove up there to apply, but got lost while looking for it. Through a randomness of following cars, I found myself passing another detention center. I had the thought to walk in and ask for a job, but I just passed that from my mind. As I continued to drive around looking for this other place another thought came to me, "Jenna, that was inspiration to go into that place, you'd better listen. And this is inspiration telling you to listen to the first inspiration." So I did a scary thing. I walked into this detention center. There were about 4 or 5 cops right inside and they all stop and look at me. Great, what do I say to a bunch of burly guys in a place like this? "I would like a job here." For a minute they all gave me this weird look as if wondering if I were serious, then it turned into a 'is something wrong with you?' look. Finally one of them used his open mouth to speak and took me to the warden. I heard a couple chuckles as I walked over to the office.
The warden was an awesome guy! I told him that I wanted to go into social work at school and I was interested in this kind of field and wanted to see what it was like. I'd love a job, but I'd also like to volenteer. I just wanted some experience. He was totally amazed by me, because they'd never had someone just walk in and want to work there. He didn't know quite what to do, but as we talked he started figuring out how to use me. I found out that this place worked with adult male offenders, mostly drug and property offenses. The two case workers came in to talk to me and tell me about what it was like working there and how you need to learn to say now and that the offenders really try to play on your sympathy to get you to do things for them.
They also talked about how you can tell right off if this is something you can handle. People who are there to "change the world!" Get burnt out pretty quick, because all you see is failure. Any success you have you never see again because they stay out in the world, but you'll see failure after failure come back into the system. You need to realize that it's not you who've failed, but them.
As they were going on about needing to realize that they make their own choices, I was really reminded about the mission. Same thing there. It gets so overwhelming if you heap up all those people who've reject the gospel on your back. If you think it's a reflection of you, it weighs you down. Another lesson that I've so gratefully learned from my mission. Also, the way the guys act, it sounded a lot like the investigators in Whitehouse! There I really learned to be more firm.
I'm so excited to see how things go with this job! I'm so grateful for how things are working out, even when I'm freaking out. Truly by the Grace of God!
When I would really think about it I was scared. I didn't want to live in my car. I didn't want to live off of peanut butter (that's the only food item I took with me). So many times, when I really thought about this craziness, I thought about backing out. I mean, Utah would be so much easier. I'd just need to find a job, but I already had a place to live (for free!) and I could be starting right back at UVU this fall. Why would I go to Rexburg?!
But then when I really thought about who I want to be, the person I want to become, I realized I had to go. I couldn't think about it, but follow the promptings and just act. Do the hard thing. Here's where one of the many lessons from my mission came into play. When the Spirit speaks= act, even if it might seem crazy. Being homeless seems crazy to me.
I spent my first night at Maren and Missy's place, but had planned to sleep in my car Saturday night. Saturday I went to hang out with Emily. Through the course of the evening her mom found out that I was planning to sleep in my car. They quickly found a place for me. I'm so grateful for them for letting me stay there. And it kind of worked out. I'm still "homeless" because it's a temporary fix until I find a place. But for now, it works.
In the mean time, crazy awesome things have happened! (Really, I've been seeing miracles in things working out). First, as I was terrified about coming up here and not working, once I made the decision to be here I got a call asking for me to fill in for someone. Sweet, I already had work! Since it was back at the Homestead, it doesn't pay well and I don't have a shift. So I've got job hunting. I've really wanted to work with trouble youth, so I've been trying to find work at the juvey detention center.
There's a couple up in St. Anthony, and one was hiring. I drove up there to apply, but got lost while looking for it. Through a randomness of following cars, I found myself passing another detention center. I had the thought to walk in and ask for a job, but I just passed that from my mind. As I continued to drive around looking for this other place another thought came to me, "Jenna, that was inspiration to go into that place, you'd better listen. And this is inspiration telling you to listen to the first inspiration." So I did a scary thing. I walked into this detention center. There were about 4 or 5 cops right inside and they all stop and look at me. Great, what do I say to a bunch of burly guys in a place like this? "I would like a job here." For a minute they all gave me this weird look as if wondering if I were serious, then it turned into a 'is something wrong with you?' look. Finally one of them used his open mouth to speak and took me to the warden. I heard a couple chuckles as I walked over to the office.
The warden was an awesome guy! I told him that I wanted to go into social work at school and I was interested in this kind of field and wanted to see what it was like. I'd love a job, but I'd also like to volenteer. I just wanted some experience. He was totally amazed by me, because they'd never had someone just walk in and want to work there. He didn't know quite what to do, but as we talked he started figuring out how to use me. I found out that this place worked with adult male offenders, mostly drug and property offenses. The two case workers came in to talk to me and tell me about what it was like working there and how you need to learn to say now and that the offenders really try to play on your sympathy to get you to do things for them.
They also talked about how you can tell right off if this is something you can handle. People who are there to "change the world!" Get burnt out pretty quick, because all you see is failure. Any success you have you never see again because they stay out in the world, but you'll see failure after failure come back into the system. You need to realize that it's not you who've failed, but them.
As they were going on about needing to realize that they make their own choices, I was really reminded about the mission. Same thing there. It gets so overwhelming if you heap up all those people who've reject the gospel on your back. If you think it's a reflection of you, it weighs you down. Another lesson that I've so gratefully learned from my mission. Also, the way the guys act, it sounded a lot like the investigators in Whitehouse! There I really learned to be more firm.
I'm so excited to see how things go with this job! I'm so grateful for how things are working out, even when I'm freaking out. Truly by the Grace of God!
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