A Crazie Among Us

I am a typical Jenna. The Safley kind. And I firmly believe that those who don't know me well can get the idea that I'm crazy. This past week I've been carefully analyzing people's reactions to my wonderful rambling and amazing self. First off, Example #1: Last Sunday, for instance, was Fast and Testimony meeting. Bearing my testimony was not on my agenda that day. Or most people's, it seemed. Lots of lulls and silences in between each person who went up there. Finally, I could take the pauses no longer, and I stood up!... only to trip all over the people around me as I tried getting to the end of the row. Plus, a jacket reached out and wrapped itself around my feet and almost brought me down. So getting to the podium was an ordeal and the entire ward was there to witness my struggle. (note to self, don't sit in the front and in the middle on fast Sundays)
Once I made it to the top, I made my next mistake: I started speaking. I tried to relate my tale of struggle to getting to the podium, but that was met with rolling eyes and uncomfortable fidgeting. Okay, let's just testify. Unfortunately I don't have a very fluid, eloquent tongue and I end up rambling and throwing verbal upchuck out into the congregation. None of which seems to be met with understanding or even amusement. I walked back to my seat in embarrassment and I noticed that this time the jacket didn't attack me.
Example #2: Monday night we have FHE at the bishop's house! It took me a second to find, but I got there and I was in the right place :) I sat down and settled myself among people I'd met and was soon joined by my wonderful friends Maren and Missy. Comfortable, not too much out of my element, I was fine. Until the groups. Bishop counted up the room and put everyone into groups. He made one group too many and so some people had to break up and find new homes. That extra group happened to be mine, and I soon said farewell to the people that I actually knew and joined a group of people that I'd never met. Now that's generally not so bad, I enjoy meeting knew people. But this group wasn't the most talkative or sharing and I ended up giving a lot of input and suggestions and just talking a lot ( I tend to do that quite often). When time was up and we were supposed to tell the rest of the FHE people what we came up with, someone made a comment that was a bit hurtful about me. It wasn't that big of a deal, but they just implied that I took things over and talk too much. I was automatically spokesperson since I seem to like to do the talking.
So there I was, in the middle of the room, representing my entire group, when suddenly, out of nowhere, I realize that I'm in an awkward sort of position. Talking to the entire room when you're in the middle of it tends to make on spin left and right, trying to include everyone. I was on my knees so it was natural for me to just scoot myself backwards. I continued to talk about what our group came up with, but that was also interspersed with narration of my movements for the seeing impaired. I know the scene had to look a bit ridiculous, especially when I fell into the kid behind me. But people were definitely not impressed, and I could see the bored looks wondering if I was going to soon shut up. Add to the fact that I actually forgot what I was talking about and was truly senselessly rambling, it was truly the ravings of a mad woman. Now, I'm not getting full of myself here, but I thought I merited at least a smile of amusement, if not a chuckle. I thought that I was a little funny (not purposefully just insecurely so) and felt that others should see it. But my performance was for naught and I left my audience again in shame.
Now, even though every one thinks I'm crazy, this can be a very good thing: low expectations always lead to good surprises! As time goes on and people get to know me, my craziness can actually be thought of endearing and funny. I have hope that, while people my keep their distance now, soon they'll flock to be in my presence. I'm not being optimistic, just realistic.