What's needed is needed.

I love that Father gives us what we need when we need. Last week was a bipolar week for sure.
I've been struggling lately with what to do.... what to do now and for the rest of my life. Just a couple months ago everything was clear...ish. I didn't know what was going to happen but I knew that I needed to apply for BYU-I and live in Rexburg. Easy, I could do that. And I'd even found a place to stay up there! But being back here in Utah, being at EFY, I've felt that I could stay. I could start back up at UVU, move to Provo, and find a job down here since there's more options. Having a week off from EFY really gave me time to think about all this and get even more confused. It's one of those situations that Father will guide me to what I want, so He's leaving the choice up to me. Which is stressful! So, here I am freaking out about what the heck am I going to do, and then I go back to EFY.

Sunday- I feel out of the EFY groove, I feel like I don't belong. Suddenly, anxiety seems to grip me. I don't know if I want to be there, or if I can even be what is needed for a counselor. I have hardly no energy and the little I have is being used up in pretending to be happy. I had a feeling of forboding, like the coming week was going to be really really hard. Great, my girls were all going to have problems. Maybe I'll get a co who's chill, yet still fun. One that I wouldn't feel like I'd have to match his crazy energy.


While waiting for the firseside, I watched him come down the hall wearing a pink bow tie... Charlie. He's this way awesome guy with tons of energy and one of the funniest people I know. I met him my first week at EFY and my kids loved him called him Uncle Charlie. I've always wanted to work with him again, and I thought it would have been awesome to have him as my co. But not this week. And when he came down the hall the first thought that flashed through my mind was, "I hope it's not him." The second thought was, "He's going to be your co." And that did not make my mood happier at all.


And guess what happened when we went to find out who our co's were: Jenna and Charlie. Great, someone awesome and I here I am totally inadequet. All I wanted to do was run up to my room and cry. I was terrifed and anxious and all I wanted to do was hide. I was going to be a great counselor this week....


Monday- My only pair of kakis were not clean, and I had forgotten a bunch of stuff at home including my belt. Well, bring the stuf from home was easy, I just called my sister and had her bring everything. But the kakis.... I started furiesly texting the other female counselors to find if maybe there was an extra a pair of kakis? Yes! My wonderful friend Kami had a pair that were too big for her... and looked like a tent on me. But they were kakis and so I used them! I was't able to get my belt until 10:30, so I went around the whole morning holding on to my pants. Practicing the dance was fun because I almost lost my pants multiple times.

Oh, and most definatley the worst part of the morning: singing! Auditionting while pure anxiety is coursing through your viens does not make for a pretty sight, or sound. I chose the theme song, because I knew it. We sing it at the opening and closing of EFY and I've been listening to the CD a lot. I know the song! But standing there inf front of others I felt pure inadequicy. They were going to hate me, I didn't really know the song, the people that auditioned before me were amazing and I could never mesure up..... and so when I opened my mouth to sing, I doubted. I messed up the words, the tune, and just did awful. Again, wanted to run and cry in my room, but there was no time for me. I went to practice the dance instead.

Meet your counselor- I was nervous, I had no idea what my girls would be like, I was terrifed. When I'm nervous I just get weird. And apparently these girls thought it was hilarious! We spent the entire hour laughing! I look back and really wonder what we talked about because I spent about the last 5 minutes hurridly going over the important rules and modesty. I generally love to talk about modesty, but here it felt really good to just bond. And when we walked out of that room we were all really good friends. I even knew all their names! First time that's ever happened. My girls were angels the whole week. Not one modesty issue, never had to ask anyone to change. They didn't even have to ask me if something was okay, they just knew. Loved it!

Meet your company was a bit different. I was still all giggly from the girls, and I'm pretty sure the boys thought us all crazy. The boys were very quiet and shy, and at first had a rough time getting to know the girls. But we would crack them, we would scamble them!
Tuesday- While my girls were awesome and the boys were still working on being awesome, I was not so awesome. I loved my kids and I'm pretty certain of their love for me... but there are so many awesome counselors out there and I didn't feel like one of them. Every where I looked I saw how much "better" the other female counselors were and just wished that I could be like them. I taught the gospel study for Tuesday, but I felt so lost. I felt like I needed to be the particpant and be the one who was counseled.

Wednesday- Again, my girls were awesome! They were a bit torn up because the boys were still shy and didn't really hang with the girls. So I came up with a brilliant plan! Each of my girls were assinged to a boy to basically stalk him! And the girls did it, and started to become friends with the boys! It was a great lesson to me. Being the generally shy one, I often wait for others to reach out to me. Even when the boys were tough, my girls kept on bugging them. Because of that there were some strong friendships made.

Friday- I'm skipping Thursday for this post, since this one is about me :)
Through out the week little things would go wrong... and big ones. By Friday there was a great big accumilation of reasons to not be happy. And then to top it off, I found our just before the dance that my car had stopped working. And so after that the really small things really got at me. I was hanging on great, my girls had done my hair in a bung of little pony tails, it looked silly and fun! And that's the only thought I had about it. Well, as the dance I was pulled aside and asked to take out my hair, as it was being seen as an extreme hairstyle. Oh, I felt horrible. I felt like the bad counselor, like I was being disobediant. It was like there was this big strike against me. Later on, while I was on guard duty during the dance, I went to sit on the floor next to the other girl who was with me. As we were distracted by talking to a couple who were parents of another counselor a participant came in and went down the hall way I was guarding. Brad, a BC was there by chance and directed him the right way. I looked over and saw the stare of Brad. Brad's a nice guy and he doesn't glare. But my stomache sank as I felt like another stike was marked against my name.

The rest of the night I was on the verge of bursting into tears. And I still had to teach at the company devotional. I always felt so exposed in front of the company. With my girls it was okay. But when you though in the boys, and Charlie, I felt like everything I did was just wrong. I didn't know how I was going to make it though what I'd planned.

And I didn't make it. Everything I planned went out the window and there I was this exposed little girl who was on the verge of crying telling my kids how lucky they were to have this chance to learn how to be converted. How I never was until my mission. It was shakey, it was scary, but the Spirit was there. I'm not sure why I shared it, but it felt like I was supposed to. And I really truly hope that someone got what they needed.

Saturday- I was given a ride home by one of my counselor friends. She was going to come by later to get me so we could join others for the Stadium of Fire fireworks. I went home, did laundry, cleaned, and took a nap! I got up and got myself ready and kind of mosied around. I hadn't heard anything about the fireworks, or getting a ride. Finally, 9:20ish I started texting people. I asked Charlie about the fireworks and my friend about the ride. My friend had already left to Provo, and people were already there for the fireworks. I felt alone again. They didn't really want me to be there, or be around me. They didn't even really like me. Why should I find a ride to go do something with a bunch of people who didn't care for me. These thoughts penetrated my mind and heart. I wanted so to disappear into the blackness. I wanted to cuddle up and watch movies and drown out the world and the people who didn't care. I wanted to be a brat and sit there until someone showed that they loved me.

By about 9:45 I found out that the truck worked and was drivable, I had a way to get to the fireworks. But I wasn't going to go. As I was about to watch my movie the impression came that no would was going to miss me. I was mad about that. I should be missed! I started to get frustrated. I knew for a fact that no one was going to come and pull me out of my misery. No one was going to show that they cared. I had two choices: allow myself to be swallowed by blackness and misery, or to act and show people that I wanted to be around them.

At 10:15 I jumped in the truck and drove to Provo. And as I did the weights started to lift. When I caught the finale as I was going down the hill into Provo, so I pretty much missed out on hanging with people. So I went over to Comedy Sportz on the chance that I my friend Craig was playing. I hadn't seen him since before my mission. And guess what, he was there! I got a chance to see him during half time! I was so happy I went. I left Comedy Sportz to got to In and Out to meet some EFY counselors there. And when the night was over, I felt so proud of myself! I picked myself out of my depression and went to be around people.

I'm never the one with the stories of how someone came to my rescue when I was feeling down. Ive always had to crawl out myself. But I am always so grateful afterwards. Instead of having to rely on others, I have to rely upon my Savior. I remember that it's His love for me that matters. I always feel stronger, because I'm the one who has to act. I can't wait for others to come rescue me. And because I know what it's like, I have a desire to help rescue others.