These last couple of months... wow. So much keeps happening. It's crazy, because thing after thing keeps falling through, falling apart. But because it does something else works out. Something that I don't expect but is better than what I wanted in the first place.
Right now, I'm getting ready to move into town! Yes! I've been staying out in Hibbard since I came to Rexburg, which is about a 15 minute drive to town. First, I was with Emily Rigby and her family. I love them! But I could live with them forever. Then I moved up the road to live with Holly Bryan, a girl in my ward who was looking for a roommate. Holly's great. She's one of the funniest people I've met. But between the gas used and the fat that I hardly ever see her, I think the best thing to do would be move into town.
I'm going to be living with two of the sweetest people I know. First, there's Kaylie Walker. The place that we're moving into is actually her brothers apartment. He moved down to IF and another roommate moved to Seattle. So one more is just finishing moving out and then us girls gets to move in! And then Emily Rigby is moving in as well!
So, I'm way super excited about being able to move into town. Finally, a place to settle down.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Homeless...
Yes, I've made it to Rexburg! Just one problem: I have no where to live... I've been doing pretty good, staying around with friends. Mostly my friend Emily and her family. When I got up here a couple weeks ago, I had work that weekend, but no place to stay. I filled my car as much as I could, but kept the back seat clear of bulky objects, so I could sleep back there. I was moving to Rexburg to be homeless.
When I would really think about it I was scared. I didn't want to live in my car. I didn't want to live off of peanut butter (that's the only food item I took with me). So many times, when I really thought about this craziness, I thought about backing out. I mean, Utah would be so much easier. I'd just need to find a job, but I already had a place to live (for free!) and I could be starting right back at UVU this fall. Why would I go to Rexburg?!
But then when I really thought about who I want to be, the person I want to become, I realized I had to go. I couldn't think about it, but follow the promptings and just act. Do the hard thing. Here's where one of the many lessons from my mission came into play. When the Spirit speaks= act, even if it might seem crazy. Being homeless seems crazy to me.
I spent my first night at Maren and Missy's place, but had planned to sleep in my car Saturday night. Saturday I went to hang out with Emily. Through the course of the evening her mom found out that I was planning to sleep in my car. They quickly found a place for me. I'm so grateful for them for letting me stay there. And it kind of worked out. I'm still "homeless" because it's a temporary fix until I find a place. But for now, it works.
In the mean time, crazy awesome things have happened! (Really, I've been seeing miracles in things working out). First, as I was terrified about coming up here and not working, once I made the decision to be here I got a call asking for me to fill in for someone. Sweet, I already had work! Since it was back at the Homestead, it doesn't pay well and I don't have a shift. So I've got job hunting. I've really wanted to work with trouble youth, so I've been trying to find work at the juvey detention center.
There's a couple up in St. Anthony, and one was hiring. I drove up there to apply, but got lost while looking for it. Through a randomness of following cars, I found myself passing another detention center. I had the thought to walk in and ask for a job, but I just passed that from my mind. As I continued to drive around looking for this other place another thought came to me, "Jenna, that was inspiration to go into that place, you'd better listen. And this is inspiration telling you to listen to the first inspiration." So I did a scary thing. I walked into this detention center. There were about 4 or 5 cops right inside and they all stop and look at me. Great, what do I say to a bunch of burly guys in a place like this? "I would like a job here." For a minute they all gave me this weird look as if wondering if I were serious, then it turned into a 'is something wrong with you?' look. Finally one of them used his open mouth to speak and took me to the warden. I heard a couple chuckles as I walked over to the office.
The warden was an awesome guy! I told him that I wanted to go into social work at school and I was interested in this kind of field and wanted to see what it was like. I'd love a job, but I'd also like to volenteer. I just wanted some experience. He was totally amazed by me, because they'd never had someone just walk in and want to work there. He didn't know quite what to do, but as we talked he started figuring out how to use me. I found out that this place worked with adult male offenders, mostly drug and property offenses. The two case workers came in to talk to me and tell me about what it was like working there and how you need to learn to say now and that the offenders really try to play on your sympathy to get you to do things for them.
They also talked about how you can tell right off if this is something you can handle. People who are there to "change the world!" Get burnt out pretty quick, because all you see is failure. Any success you have you never see again because they stay out in the world, but you'll see failure after failure come back into the system. You need to realize that it's not you who've failed, but them.
As they were going on about needing to realize that they make their own choices, I was really reminded about the mission. Same thing there. It gets so overwhelming if you heap up all those people who've reject the gospel on your back. If you think it's a reflection of you, it weighs you down. Another lesson that I've so gratefully learned from my mission. Also, the way the guys act, it sounded a lot like the investigators in Whitehouse! There I really learned to be more firm.
I'm so excited to see how things go with this job! I'm so grateful for how things are working out, even when I'm freaking out. Truly by the Grace of God!
When I would really think about it I was scared. I didn't want to live in my car. I didn't want to live off of peanut butter (that's the only food item I took with me). So many times, when I really thought about this craziness, I thought about backing out. I mean, Utah would be so much easier. I'd just need to find a job, but I already had a place to live (for free!) and I could be starting right back at UVU this fall. Why would I go to Rexburg?!
But then when I really thought about who I want to be, the person I want to become, I realized I had to go. I couldn't think about it, but follow the promptings and just act. Do the hard thing. Here's where one of the many lessons from my mission came into play. When the Spirit speaks= act, even if it might seem crazy. Being homeless seems crazy to me.
I spent my first night at Maren and Missy's place, but had planned to sleep in my car Saturday night. Saturday I went to hang out with Emily. Through the course of the evening her mom found out that I was planning to sleep in my car. They quickly found a place for me. I'm so grateful for them for letting me stay there. And it kind of worked out. I'm still "homeless" because it's a temporary fix until I find a place. But for now, it works.
In the mean time, crazy awesome things have happened! (Really, I've been seeing miracles in things working out). First, as I was terrified about coming up here and not working, once I made the decision to be here I got a call asking for me to fill in for someone. Sweet, I already had work! Since it was back at the Homestead, it doesn't pay well and I don't have a shift. So I've got job hunting. I've really wanted to work with trouble youth, so I've been trying to find work at the juvey detention center.
There's a couple up in St. Anthony, and one was hiring. I drove up there to apply, but got lost while looking for it. Through a randomness of following cars, I found myself passing another detention center. I had the thought to walk in and ask for a job, but I just passed that from my mind. As I continued to drive around looking for this other place another thought came to me, "Jenna, that was inspiration to go into that place, you'd better listen. And this is inspiration telling you to listen to the first inspiration." So I did a scary thing. I walked into this detention center. There were about 4 or 5 cops right inside and they all stop and look at me. Great, what do I say to a bunch of burly guys in a place like this? "I would like a job here." For a minute they all gave me this weird look as if wondering if I were serious, then it turned into a 'is something wrong with you?' look. Finally one of them used his open mouth to speak and took me to the warden. I heard a couple chuckles as I walked over to the office.
The warden was an awesome guy! I told him that I wanted to go into social work at school and I was interested in this kind of field and wanted to see what it was like. I'd love a job, but I'd also like to volenteer. I just wanted some experience. He was totally amazed by me, because they'd never had someone just walk in and want to work there. He didn't know quite what to do, but as we talked he started figuring out how to use me. I found out that this place worked with adult male offenders, mostly drug and property offenses. The two case workers came in to talk to me and tell me about what it was like working there and how you need to learn to say now and that the offenders really try to play on your sympathy to get you to do things for them.
They also talked about how you can tell right off if this is something you can handle. People who are there to "change the world!" Get burnt out pretty quick, because all you see is failure. Any success you have you never see again because they stay out in the world, but you'll see failure after failure come back into the system. You need to realize that it's not you who've failed, but them.
As they were going on about needing to realize that they make their own choices, I was really reminded about the mission. Same thing there. It gets so overwhelming if you heap up all those people who've reject the gospel on your back. If you think it's a reflection of you, it weighs you down. Another lesson that I've so gratefully learned from my mission. Also, the way the guys act, it sounded a lot like the investigators in Whitehouse! There I really learned to be more firm.
I'm so excited to see how things go with this job! I'm so grateful for how things are working out, even when I'm freaking out. Truly by the Grace of God!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Especially for Counselors
That's right, I just spent a week in Disneyland! Holy cow, it was a lot of fun! We started out with a 12 hour drive, in a small car with 4 people and all their stuff. It was just a little of a tight squeeze, but we made it in one piece! After having a little bit of a nap time, it was beach time! Riding the waves, burying Matt in the sand, and then a sweet awesome bonfire. It was a good night. But I didn't stay out too late, because I was there for one soul purpose: Disneyland!
There was so much there! Coolest things about Disneyland:
1. 100 EFY counselors
2. Pirates
3. Mickey
4. Star Tours
5. A parade!
6. Tom Sawyers island
7. Attempts at planking
8. Tron dance party
9. Muppets
10. Cute black guy
11. World of Color!
12. Random animal pictures
13. Aladdin
14. More pirates
15. Tower of Terror
16. Driving
17. Bug eyes
18. Night time Jungle Cruise
19. And new friends!
There was so much there! Coolest things about Disneyland:
1. 100 EFY counselors
2. Pirates
3. Mickey
4. Star Tours
5. A parade!
6. Tom Sawyers island
7. Attempts at planking
8. Tron dance party
9. Muppets
10. Cute black guy
11. World of Color!
12. Random animal pictures
13. Aladdin
14. More pirates
15. Tower of Terror
16. Driving
17. Bug eyes
18. Night time Jungle Cruise
19. And new friends!
Monday, July 25, 2011
The Pink Bible (part Two)
Lately I've been obsessed with a blog online called The Mormon Bachelorette. It's bascially like the tv show, but online and involving Latter Day Saints. I was introduced to it because a friend of mine went out to Arizona to take the current bachelorette out on a date, and then I was hooked. I finished season one and just started the second one and I've been noticing somethings about dating...
First off, it's been established that I LOVE dating and I go on many. But while I may be dating a lot, they all seem to be first dates. Plus, how do I get dates with the guys that 
I really like? Comparing the way I act with those on the MB, it clicked: I don't flirt! Really, I don't. When I'm on a date with some one it's more like friends chillin' chillin'. When I'm around a guy I like... I'm just pathetic.
I really like? Comparing the way I act with those on the MB, it clicked: I don't flirt! Really, I don't. When I'm on a date with some one it's more like friends chillin' chillin'. When I'm around a guy I like... I'm just pathetic.*Just to expound on my patheticness: When I'm not prepared and a cute guy shows up I just stare. I get this deer-in-the-headlights look and all that goes through my brain is "He's so cute!" and all that comes out of my mouth is "Uhhhh....." and other squeeky noises. Yup.
Anyway, the point is that the key to more dates is flirting. The key to getting cute guys is flirting. Now I just need to figure out how to flirt....
Friday, July 22, 2011
The Pink Bible (part one)
I've always loved dating! From the "What do I wear?" anxiety right up to the awkward door step scene, I actually enjoy every minute of it. And no, I'm not being facetious. I've been so blessed since I've been home from my mission to go on a ton of dates. Really. It hasn't been unusual to have multiple dates a week. But it didn't start out like that at all.
*Flashback*
I'd been home from my mission for at least four months and I'd gone on only one date. A date that had been set up by my aunt, so it had nothing to do with the fact he thought that I was cute. So here I am, a girl who wants to date and is not; I spent Fridays moping with ice cream and chick flicks. I spent much time complaining and feeling hurt that I wasn't "pretty enough" or liked by guys.
Well, it was one of these pity-party moments that revelation came to me. Do you ever get answers that you hate? Yeah, this was one of them. The conversation in my head went like this
(add a whiny sound to my dialogue):
"I want to go on a date!"
"Then change it."
"But I can't."
"Yes you can. Just ask someone yourself."
"But boys are supposed to ask me!"
"But they aren't. Your options are: be dateless or take action. Your choice."
You mean I can't expect other people to make me happy?! Novel idea. So I weighed my options and chose to get rid of my self pity. I started asking guys out on dates! At first it was scarier than anything to ask someone on a date. Now, it still is, but I have more hope in a positive answer.
But I'm so grateful for the chance of being the one to ask. I understand how sca
ry it is for guys to ask out girls. They have just as much anxiety over dating, if not more, than us girls. It's hard planning something that would be fun, impress the date, and give a good chance of getting to know each other.
But something else happened when I started asking guys out: guys started asking me! It turns out that it's a conditional promise for me. Because if I just ask one or two guys a month, I'm rewarded four-fold :) When I stop asking guys, they stop asking me.
Now I know that this isn't the case for every girl. But I've learned that if we want something we have to put in some effort. We can't sit and complain anymore, but we have to jump up and act. And we can't expect it to be easy.
*Flashback*
I'd been home from my mission for at least four months and I'd gone on only one date. A date that had been set up by my aunt, so it had nothing to do with the fact he thought that I was cute. So here I am, a girl who wants to date and is not; I spent Fridays moping with ice cream and chick flicks. I spent much time complaining and feeling hurt that I wasn't "pretty enough" or liked by guys.
Well, it was one of these pity-party moments that revelation came to me. Do you ever get answers that you hate? Yeah, this was one of them. The conversation in my head went like this
(add a whiny sound to my dialogue):
"I want to go on a date!"
"Then change it."
"But I can't."
"Yes you can. Just ask someone yourself."
"But boys are supposed to ask me!"
"But they aren't. Your options are: be dateless or take action. Your choice."
You mean I can't expect other people to make me happy?! Novel idea. So I weighed my options and chose to get rid of my self pity. I started asking guys out on dates! At first it was scarier than anything to ask someone on a date. Now, it still is, but I have more hope in a positive answer.
But I'm so grateful for the chance of being the one to ask. I understand how sca
ry it is for guys to ask out girls. They have just as much anxiety over dating, if not more, than us girls. It's hard planning something that would be fun, impress the date, and give a good chance of getting to know each other.
But something else happened when I started asking guys out: guys started asking me! It turns out that it's a conditional promise for me. Because if I just ask one or two guys a month, I'm rewarded four-fold :) When I stop asking guys, they stop asking me.
Now I know that this isn't the case for every girl. But I've learned that if we want something we have to put in some effort. We can't sit and complain anymore, but we have to jump up and act. And we can't expect it to be easy.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Never Been Kissed Is Not Just A Movie and... The Story of The Hairy, Sweaty Mountain Man
It's true, I'm 24 and never been kissed *gasp* And, no, I'm not joking. I had lunch with a friend the other day and he thought I was kidding. It really took him a minute to realize that, yes, for real, I am still in the VL (virgin lips) club.
Many times people are surprised that I've never kissed anyone. I used to get "Good for you!" or "You won't regret saving it!" But lately I've gotten more of "What's wrong with you." "Why not?!" "You have not idea what you're missing.
First, there's nothing wrong with me... well..... Better put, not kissing is a personal choice. I've had chances, there have been guys who've wanted to kiss me; I've had guys who've tried, and I've learned to dodge :) Why? Why would one run from something like that? One person asked that and then added that kissing was a commitment, it's okay to do.
Well, for me, kissing is a commitment! It's like saying "I love you!" Kissing is something that my brain has marked "Special" and is only to be given to a special guy at a special time. I'm not talking about waiting until the alter, but just when the mood is right and there's this totally wonderful man who thinks I'm amazing, and the moon.... okay, I fantasize about it. I'm
totally excited to try it out, to share a plate of spaghetti with someone (will totally roll the meatball with my nose!) I've hear positive things about the experience and I really do want to leave the VL club. But not for just anyone.
I'm one of those people that have a hard time with mediums; I'm always at extremes. Kissing goes into this. If I don't reserve than it's going to any attractive guy in my way. Really. So many times when I've had chances I think "If I'd already had my first kiss I'd totally kiss this guy." I see a good looking guy and wonder what his lips taste like. And I know that if it wasn't marked "Special" then I'd make sure there was more than enough to go around.
So, there it is. I'm 24 and VL, loud and proud, baby! Oh, and about dodging: That's not made up either. Following is my best dodging story.
The Hairy, Sweaty Mountain Man
Once upon a time there was a girl who was actually kinda cute. She loved impov, theater, and was also a nerd. Because of these (especially the nerdiness) weird guys would come after her...
One day she went to a singles activity with a friend, where she got a chance to meet new people! One of these new people was a boy that recognized her.
"Jenna!"
"....um, hi! It's good to see you..."
"Steve. Remember, we were a thing at the same time this one time?"
"Oh, yeah....? Good to see you!"
Painful conversation, as I couldn't for the life of me ever remember meeting him and how on earth did he ever remember me? But as the conversation went on, the beginning turned out to be the most interesting. He found out that I love improv, which then led to "Have you seen Who's Line is it Anyway? I love those guys! Did you see the one where..." And I was... entertained.... for the next 30 minutes of his Who's Line impressions. Fun.
Eventually someone came to talk to Steve and I was able to slip out and find my friend. As we were leaving, Steve found me once more and followed me to the car. All the while talking non stop about something that I'd for sure be interested in....
I found out later that Steve had asked my friend for my phone number. Luckily, my friend told him to ask me. Phew, I was safe.... until a few weeks later. School had just started up and auditions for the plays that year were being held. As I was walking to the school a truck honked at me as it passed me by. Who on earth...? My phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Jenna, it's Steve! I just passed by you and honked!"
"Oh, how'd you get my number?"
"Your friend gave it to me!"
"Okay, I have to go."
I immediately called my friend, demanding answers. He knew I didn't like Steve. Steve kinda weirded me out. So why did my friend give Steve my number? I found out the true story. Steve had taken my friends phone and found my number with out permission! Great. He has my number. Luckily, it didn't get used much.
During the fall I'd randomly bump into Steve and he'd invite me to do something, but naturally I already had something going on. One day I just told him I was dating someone. So for about 3 months there was no contact.
One day, in February, I ran into him. He looked good, and he was not so weird. I could actually talk to him without feeling awkward. We had a good conversation for a while and then he asked me how things were going with that guy I was dating. "Oh, we broke up a little while ago." A simple statement that changed so much! Suddenly, something thing flashed through his face and a bit of the awkwardness started returning, but I had committed to actually going on a date with him.
Well, with things going on and business we actually didn't end up going on a date until 2 months later, so it'd been awhile. So there was time for his appearance to change...
There was a knock on the door, I opened.... and there he was! He'd gained a few pounds (very noticeably) and his hair! I don't think he'd cut it, or even shaved since the last time I saw him. Long and mangly and just had this feel of... ick. Great, I still had a date ahead of me. And what was the planned activity: a movie.
I am not going to use the middle of my story to stand up on my soap box and spout that movies are not first date material. Movies are "I want to make a move on you" dates. Not first dates. Okay, down girl.
As soon as we sit down, AS SOON AS WE SIT DOWN, dead spider. If you don't know what a dead spider is, it is this: a hand with the palm facing up (like a spider with the legs in the air) ie, something someone does when they are trying to get someone to hold their hand.
So it's just sitting there, on my arm rest. First off, I really don't like spiders and this one was no different. I made sure to not let any part of me touch the arm rest. After a while he obviously noticed that this tactic was not working, so he stuck his elbow towards me, trying to touch my arm. I retreated. Not working, he started leaning his head toward me. I really have no idea what he was going to accomplish, a head butt? But still didn't work. Through the entirety of the movie he tried everything he could to touch me or get closer to me. I did everything I could to morph into the seat next to me.
End of movie, end of date? No, it was not meant to be, dinner was next. At least there was free food. The nice thing about the movie part was we didn't have to talk. Because here's how dinner went:
"Have you seen the movie Canadian Bacon?"
"No."
"Me neither, but it's about blah blah blah. There's this one part....."
And for the next hour I was a witness to a one man performance of the movie Canadian Bacon. It's apparently very funny, because he laughed at every part. As he was going though all of this my only thought was, I must have heard wrong, he didn't say he's never seen this movie...
"And it's soooo funny! ....at least I've just heard since I've never seen it."
Seriously?!
By the end of dinner, he was having a great time, laughing, joking. I found that I didn't even need to look at him, much less respond. Since, actually, he cut every response in half. I ended up watching all the other people that were sitting around us. People watching can be very entertaining...
Finally, the moment I'd been waiting for: The End! He takes me back to my apartment. "No need to walk me up to the third floor *hopeful*" "No, I don't mind at all!" We're there, in front of my door. "Well, thanks!" And I start to head straight inside. But I caught a look of his face. It was not longer hairy mountain man, but poor puppy dog! Oh, I felt so bad. He deserved a handshake.
NO, weakness! In this moment of misplaced compassion, I held out my hand. But only for it to be used to pull me into a sweaty, hairy hug! As I started to push back, I saw them. Nooooo!! Incoming! The lips move as if in slow motion, and, as if in slow motion, I turn my head. There is a suddenly *slmack* on my cheek. I push him away and run inside. I lock the door and slide down it to the floor, then I wipe off my distressed cheek.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The irony is in the title
I've felt a lit
tle bit lost these last few days, almost like coming home from a mission. I don't know what to do! Everyone seems to have jobs or working on school, or something. And here I am, STUCK in Utah with nothing to do. So this might actually become a regualr thing! Plus, I learned a cool trick yesterday: pictures! (Yes, it's sad that I've never noticed the little button that says "Add Image")
tle bit lost these last few days, almost like coming home from a mission. I don't know what to do! Everyone seems to have jobs or working on school, or something. And here I am, STUCK in Utah with nothing to do. So this might actually become a regualr thing! Plus, I learned a cool trick yesterday: pictures! (Yes, it's sad that I've never noticed the little button that says "Add Image")
So I'm going to blog. What goes through my brai
n will come out here (And my brain really does have all those colors). Typing is so much easier than journal writing, and very few people know that I have a blog.... >:-} Mwhahaha, I can really do anything I want! For now, I just wanted to say that I have a blog.
n will come out here (And my brain really does have all those colors). Typing is so much easier than journal writing, and very few people know that I have a blog.... >:-} Mwhahaha, I can really do anything I want! For now, I just wanted to say that I have a blog.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
EFY Blue #6- Go Get'em Girls!
I love my kids, they are just fantastic! I started out being way nervous, I always am before meet you counselor. Who were my girls, what are they like, will they like me? I walked into the room and there they all were, staring at me.... Okay, here goes nothing.
I started to be normal Jenna, you know, talks non-stop, makes weird jokes. And apparently they love me! We spent the entire hour laughing! One, my girls thought I was hilarious so they endeared themselves to me :) and Two, my girls were hilarious. Very quickly were the walls of shyness broken and we left that room as best friends. I generally like to hit modesty hard so no problems arise during the week, but I really didn't get a chance. So that was one thing that I was a bit nervous about, modesty. Other than that, I could tell the week was going to be awesome!
Another cool fact about our company last week: we totally had President Monson's grandson! Yeah, that's right. One of my boys calls the prophet grandpa. It was such a cute kid, it was great. I think he was 14? And totally girl crazy. I'm pretty sure he dropped the being grandson of the prophet just so he could get girls. And it worked! Surrounded always by a big group of girls who thought he was awesome. But one of the sweetest moments of the week was when he bore his testimony.
Now I've got one more EFY week waiting for me in August and then I'm done. Truly have to go back to the real world and learn how to take EFY home with me.
I started to be normal Jenna, you know, talks non-stop, makes weird jokes. And apparently they love me! We spent the entire hour laughing! One, my girls thought I was hilarious so they endeared themselves to me :) and Two, my girls were hilarious. Very quickly were the walls of shyness broken and we left that room as best friends. I generally like to hit modesty hard so no problems arise during the week, but I really didn't get a chance. So that was one thing that I was a bit nervous about, modesty. Other than that, I could tell the week was going to be awesome!As it turns out, I had no reason to fear modesty. Not once did I have to ask anyone to change, not once did they question modesty. They just did it! First ever! Even on Thursday when most of the modesty problems arise in their dresses and skirts, they were perfect. Angels, all of them!
And last week was probably the best devotionals I've ever had. The Spirit was so strong and it was more of pure testimony. It didn't feel like these girls were being taught, but being converted. Monday night devotional was my favorite. I looked around into the faces of my girls and saw that they wanted to change. They hungered. One of my girls really left an impression. She didn't look at me, she was staring away. But as I watched her it was like it was all really hitting her for the first time. Being able to talk with her later she mentioned how there were so many questions she's had for months. And it felt like they were finally getting answered. Over the course of the week, all of them were answered.
I love the changes! One of the many changes I saw this week were in how the girls and boys became friends. Tuesday night I had complaints from all the girls about how our brothers were not talking to them or making an effort to get to know them. We had a really shy group of guys, it's true, but there I had to be a way to crack them!
I assigned each of my girls to a boy. Their job was to become the best friend of that boy, no matter what it took. If they needed to stalk them to do it, so be it! Being 24 and still single *ahem* I have long since learned that guys don't always take the initiative and us girls have to step it up. Yes, there was some complaining at first about how the boys were supposed to.... blah blah blah. But my girls committed to it ("It shall be done!") and they became a total inspiration to me.
Really, some of my girls totally stalked these boys, didn't let them out of sight, and were always there. And by the end of the week, there were some really awesome friendships made. We didn't win all boys 100%, but my girls made a difference and I was proud. I think I'm going to try to pursue friendships just as zealously from now on.
Another cool fact about our company last week: we totally had President Monson's grandson! Yeah, that's right. One of my boys calls the prophet grandpa. It was such a cute kid, it was great. I think he was 14? And totally girl crazy. I'm pretty sure he dropped the being grandson of the prophet just so he could get girls. And it worked! Surrounded always by a big group of girls who thought he was awesome. But one of the sweetest moments of the week was when he bore his testimony.He actually bore his testimony twice. The first time was about how strong the Spirit was at EFY, and then sat back down. At the end of testimony meeting we'd had all of our kids go up and there were a few remaining moments. That's when Paul popped back up there. But this time he had tears. He talked about how hard it was when his grandpa was called to be prophet, it was his grandpa. Everyone just assumed that he had it easy in gaining a testimony. But talked about his struggle, and how that week at EFY had helped him a lot in knowing President Monson is indeed the one who speaks for the Lord.
My kids were/are amazing. I love them so much. Oh, and how could I forget the rockin'est co ever! Charlie is fantastic, funny, and just awesome. I want to be like him when I grow up!
Now I've got one more EFY week waiting for me in August and then I'm done. Truly have to go back to the real world and learn how to take EFY home with me.Tuesday, July 5, 2011
What's needed is needed.
I love that Father gives us what we need when we need. Last week was a bipolar week for sure.
I've been struggling lately with what to do.... what to do now and for the rest of my life. Just a couple months ago everything was clear...ish. I didn't know what was going to happen but I knew that I needed to apply for BYU-I and live in Rexburg. Easy, I could do that. And I'd even found a place to stay up there! But being back here in Utah, being at EFY, I've felt that I could stay. I could start back up at UVU, move to Provo, and find a job down here since there's more options. Having a week off from EFY really gave me time to think about all this and get even more confused. It's one of those situations that Father will guide me to what I want, so He's leaving the choice up to me. Which is stressful! So, here I am freaking out about what the heck am I going to do, and then I go back to EFY.
Sunday- I feel out of the EFY groove, I feel like I don't belong. Suddenly, anxiety seems to grip me. I don't know if I want to be there, or if I can even be what is needed for a counselor. I have hardly no energy and the little I have is being used up in pretending to be happy. I had a feeling of forboding, like the coming week was going to be really really hard. Great, my girls were all going to have problems. Maybe I'll get a co who's chill, yet still fun. One that I wouldn't feel like I'd have to match his crazy energy.
While waiting for the firseside, I watched him come down the hall wearing a pink bow tie... Charlie. He's this way awesome guy with tons of energy and one of the funniest people I know. I met him my first week at EFY and my kids loved him called him Uncle Charlie. I've always wanted to work with him again, and I thought it would have been awesome to have him as my co. But not this week. And when he came down the hall the first thought that flashed through my mind was, "I hope it's not him." The second thought was, "He's going to be your co." And that did not make my mood happier at all.
And guess what happened when we went to find out who our co's were: Jenna and Charlie. Great, someone awesome and I here I am totally inadequet. All I wanted to do was run up to my room and cry. I was terrifed and anxious and all I wanted to do was hide. I was going to be a great counselor this week....
Monday- My only pair of kakis were not clean, and I had forgotten a bunch of stuff at home including my belt. Well, bring the stuf from home was easy, I just called my sister and had her bring everything. But the kakis.... I started furiesly texting the other female counselors to find if maybe there was an extra a pair of kakis? Yes! My wonderful friend Kami had a pair that were too big for her... and looked like a tent on me. But they were kakis and so I used them! I was't able to get my belt until 10:30, so I went around the whole morning holding on to my pants. Practicing the dance was fun because I almost lost my pants multiple times.
Oh, and most definatley the worst part of the morning: singing! Auditionting while pure anxiety is coursing through your viens does not make for a pretty sight, or sound. I chose the theme song, because I knew it. We sing it at the opening and closing of EFY and I've been listening to the CD a lot. I know the song! But standing there inf front of others I felt pure inadequicy. They were going to hate me, I didn't really know the song, the people that auditioned before me were amazing and I could never mesure up..... and so when I opened my mouth to sing, I doubted. I messed up the words, the tune, and just did awful. Again, wanted to run and cry in my room, but there was no time for me. I went to practice the dance instead.
Meet your counselor- I was nervous, I had no idea what my girls would be like, I was terrifed. When I'm nervous I just get weird. And apparently these girls thought it was hilarious! We spent the entire hour laughing! I look back and really wonder what we talked about because I spent about the last 5 minutes hurridly going over the important rules and modesty. I generally love to talk about modesty, but here it felt really good to just bond. And when we walked out of that room we were all really good friends. I even knew all their names! First time that's ever happened. My girls were angels the whole week. Not one modesty issue, never had to ask anyone to change. They didn't even have to ask me if something was okay, they just knew. Loved it!
Meet your company was a bit different. I was still all giggly from the girls, and I'm pretty sure the boys thought us all crazy. The boys were very quiet and shy, and at first had a rough time getting to know the girls. But we would crack them, we would scamble them!
Tuesday- While my girls were awesome and the boys were still working on being awesome, I was not so awesome. I loved my kids and I'm pretty certain of their love for me... but there are so many awesome counselors out there and I didn't feel like one of them. Every where I looked I saw how much "better" the other female counselors were and just wished that I could be like them. I taught the gospel study for Tuesday, but I felt so lost. I felt like I needed to be the particpant and be the one who was counseled.
Wednesday- Again, my girls were awesome! They were a bit torn up because the boys were still shy and didn't really hang with the girls. So I came up with a brilliant plan! Each of my girls were assinged to a boy to basically stalk him! And the girls did it, and started to become friends with the boys! It was a great lesson to me. Being the generally shy one, I often wait for others to reach out to me. Even when the boys were tough, my girls kept on bugging them. Because of that there were some strong friendships made.
Friday- I'm skipping Thursday for this post, since this one is about me :)
Through out the week little things would go wrong... and big ones. By Friday there was a great big accumilation of reasons to not be happy. And then to top it off, I found our just before the dance that my car had stopped working. And so after that the really small things really got at me. I was hanging on great, my girls had done my hair in a bung of little pony tails, it looked silly and fun! And that's the only thought I had about it. Well, as the dance I was pulled aside and asked to take out my hair, as it was being seen as an extreme hairstyle. Oh, I felt horrible. I felt like the bad counselor, like I was being disobediant. It was like there was this big strike against me. Later on, while I was on guard duty during the dance, I went to sit on the floor next to the other girl who was with me. As we were distracted by talking to a couple who were parents of another counselor a participant came in and went down the hall way I was guarding. Brad, a BC was there by chance and directed him the right way. I looked over and saw the stare of Brad. Brad's a nice guy and he doesn't glare. But my stomache sank as I felt like another stike was marked against my name.
The rest of the night I was on the verge of bursting into tears. And I still had to teach at the company devotional. I always felt so exposed in front of the company. With my girls it was okay. But when you though in the boys, and Charlie, I felt like everything I did was just wrong. I didn't know how I was going to make it though what I'd planned.
And I didn't make it. Everything I planned went out the window and there I was this exposed little girl who was on the verge of crying telling my kids how lucky they were to have this chance to learn how to be converted. How I never was until my mission. It was shakey, it was scary, but the Spirit was there. I'm not sure why I shared it, but it felt like I was supposed to. And I really truly hope that someone got what they needed.
Saturday- I was given a ride home by one of my counselor friends. She was going to come by later to get me so we could join others for the Stadium of Fire fireworks. I went home, did laundry, cleaned, and took a nap! I got up and got myself ready and kind of mosied around. I hadn't heard anything about the fireworks, or getting a ride. Finally, 9:20ish I started texting people. I asked Charlie about the fireworks and my friend about the ride. My friend had already left to Provo, and people were already there for the fireworks. I felt alone again. They didn't really want me to be there, or be around me. They didn't even really like me. Why should I find a ride to go do something with a bunch of people who didn't care for me. These thoughts penetrated my mind and heart. I wanted so to disappear into the blackness. I wanted to cuddle up and watch movies and drown out the world and the people who didn't care. I wanted to be a brat and sit there until someone showed that they loved me.
By about 9:45 I found out that the truck worked and was drivable, I had a way to get to the fireworks. But I wasn't going to go. As I was about to watch my movie the impression came that no would was going to miss me. I was mad about that. I should be missed! I started to get frustrated. I knew for a fact that no one was going to come and pull me out of my misery. No one was going to show that they cared. I had two choices: allow myself to be swallowed by blackness and misery, or to act and show people that I wanted to be around them.
At 10:15 I jumped in the truck and drove to Provo. And as I did the weights started to lift. When I caught the finale as I was going down the hill into Provo, so I pretty much missed out on hanging with people. So I went over to Comedy Sportz on the chance that I my friend Craig was playing. I hadn't seen him since before my mission. And guess what, he was there! I got a chance to see him during half time! I was so happy I went. I left Comedy Sportz to got to In and Out to meet some EFY counselors there. And when the night was over, I felt so proud of myself! I picked myself out of my depression and went to be around people.
I'm never the one with the stories of how someone came to my rescue when I was feeling down. Ive always had to crawl out myself. But I am always so grateful afterwards. Instead of having to rely on others, I have to rely upon my Savior. I remember that it's His love for me that matters. I always feel stronger, because I'm the one who has to act. I can't wait for others to come rescue me. And because I know what it's like, I have a desire to help rescue others.
I've been struggling lately with what to do.... what to do now and for the rest of my life. Just a couple months ago everything was clear...ish. I didn't know what was going to happen but I knew that I needed to apply for BYU-I and live in Rexburg. Easy, I could do that. And I'd even found a place to stay up there! But being back here in Utah, being at EFY, I've felt that I could stay. I could start back up at UVU, move to Provo, and find a job down here since there's more options. Having a week off from EFY really gave me time to think about all this and get even more confused. It's one of those situations that Father will guide me to what I want, so He's leaving the choice up to me. Which is stressful! So, here I am freaking out about what the heck am I going to do, and then I go back to EFY.
Sunday- I feel out of the EFY groove, I feel like I don't belong. Suddenly, anxiety seems to grip me. I don't know if I want to be there, or if I can even be what is needed for a counselor. I have hardly no energy and the little I have is being used up in pretending to be happy. I had a feeling of forboding, like the coming week was going to be really really hard. Great, my girls were all going to have problems. Maybe I'll get a co who's chill, yet still fun. One that I wouldn't feel like I'd have to match his crazy energy.
While waiting for the firseside, I watched him come down the hall wearing a pink bow tie... Charlie. He's this way awesome guy with tons of energy and one of the funniest people I know. I met him my first week at EFY and my kids loved him called him Uncle Charlie. I've always wanted to work with him again, and I thought it would have been awesome to have him as my co. But not this week. And when he came down the hall the first thought that flashed through my mind was, "I hope it's not him." The second thought was, "He's going to be your co." And that did not make my mood happier at all.
And guess what happened when we went to find out who our co's were: Jenna and Charlie. Great, someone awesome and I here I am totally inadequet. All I wanted to do was run up to my room and cry. I was terrifed and anxious and all I wanted to do was hide. I was going to be a great counselor this week....
Monday- My only pair of kakis were not clean, and I had forgotten a bunch of stuff at home including my belt. Well, bring the stuf from home was easy, I just called my sister and had her bring everything. But the kakis.... I started furiesly texting the other female counselors to find if maybe there was an extra a pair of kakis? Yes! My wonderful friend Kami had a pair that were too big for her... and looked like a tent on me. But they were kakis and so I used them! I was't able to get my belt until 10:30, so I went around the whole morning holding on to my pants. Practicing the dance was fun because I almost lost my pants multiple times.
Oh, and most definatley the worst part of the morning: singing! Auditionting while pure anxiety is coursing through your viens does not make for a pretty sight, or sound. I chose the theme song, because I knew it. We sing it at the opening and closing of EFY and I've been listening to the CD a lot. I know the song! But standing there inf front of others I felt pure inadequicy. They were going to hate me, I didn't really know the song, the people that auditioned before me were amazing and I could never mesure up..... and so when I opened my mouth to sing, I doubted. I messed up the words, the tune, and just did awful. Again, wanted to run and cry in my room, but there was no time for me. I went to practice the dance instead.
Meet your counselor- I was nervous, I had no idea what my girls would be like, I was terrifed. When I'm nervous I just get weird. And apparently these girls thought it was hilarious! We spent the entire hour laughing! I look back and really wonder what we talked about because I spent about the last 5 minutes hurridly going over the important rules and modesty. I generally love to talk about modesty, but here it felt really good to just bond. And when we walked out of that room we were all really good friends. I even knew all their names! First time that's ever happened. My girls were angels the whole week. Not one modesty issue, never had to ask anyone to change. They didn't even have to ask me if something was okay, they just knew. Loved it!
Meet your company was a bit different. I was still all giggly from the girls, and I'm pretty sure the boys thought us all crazy. The boys were very quiet and shy, and at first had a rough time getting to know the girls. But we would crack them, we would scamble them!
Tuesday- While my girls were awesome and the boys were still working on being awesome, I was not so awesome. I loved my kids and I'm pretty certain of their love for me... but there are so many awesome counselors out there and I didn't feel like one of them. Every where I looked I saw how much "better" the other female counselors were and just wished that I could be like them. I taught the gospel study for Tuesday, but I felt so lost. I felt like I needed to be the particpant and be the one who was counseled.
Wednesday- Again, my girls were awesome! They were a bit torn up because the boys were still shy and didn't really hang with the girls. So I came up with a brilliant plan! Each of my girls were assinged to a boy to basically stalk him! And the girls did it, and started to become friends with the boys! It was a great lesson to me. Being the generally shy one, I often wait for others to reach out to me. Even when the boys were tough, my girls kept on bugging them. Because of that there were some strong friendships made.
Friday- I'm skipping Thursday for this post, since this one is about me :)
Through out the week little things would go wrong... and big ones. By Friday there was a great big accumilation of reasons to not be happy. And then to top it off, I found our just before the dance that my car had stopped working. And so after that the really small things really got at me. I was hanging on great, my girls had done my hair in a bung of little pony tails, it looked silly and fun! And that's the only thought I had about it. Well, as the dance I was pulled aside and asked to take out my hair, as it was being seen as an extreme hairstyle. Oh, I felt horrible. I felt like the bad counselor, like I was being disobediant. It was like there was this big strike against me. Later on, while I was on guard duty during the dance, I went to sit on the floor next to the other girl who was with me. As we were distracted by talking to a couple who were parents of another counselor a participant came in and went down the hall way I was guarding. Brad, a BC was there by chance and directed him the right way. I looked over and saw the stare of Brad. Brad's a nice guy and he doesn't glare. But my stomache sank as I felt like another stike was marked against my name.
The rest of the night I was on the verge of bursting into tears. And I still had to teach at the company devotional. I always felt so exposed in front of the company. With my girls it was okay. But when you though in the boys, and Charlie, I felt like everything I did was just wrong. I didn't know how I was going to make it though what I'd planned.
And I didn't make it. Everything I planned went out the window and there I was this exposed little girl who was on the verge of crying telling my kids how lucky they were to have this chance to learn how to be converted. How I never was until my mission. It was shakey, it was scary, but the Spirit was there. I'm not sure why I shared it, but it felt like I was supposed to. And I really truly hope that someone got what they needed.
Saturday- I was given a ride home by one of my counselor friends. She was going to come by later to get me so we could join others for the Stadium of Fire fireworks. I went home, did laundry, cleaned, and took a nap! I got up and got myself ready and kind of mosied around. I hadn't heard anything about the fireworks, or getting a ride. Finally, 9:20ish I started texting people. I asked Charlie about the fireworks and my friend about the ride. My friend had already left to Provo, and people were already there for the fireworks. I felt alone again. They didn't really want me to be there, or be around me. They didn't even really like me. Why should I find a ride to go do something with a bunch of people who didn't care for me. These thoughts penetrated my mind and heart. I wanted so to disappear into the blackness. I wanted to cuddle up and watch movies and drown out the world and the people who didn't care. I wanted to be a brat and sit there until someone showed that they loved me.
By about 9:45 I found out that the truck worked and was drivable, I had a way to get to the fireworks. But I wasn't going to go. As I was about to watch my movie the impression came that no would was going to miss me. I was mad about that. I should be missed! I started to get frustrated. I knew for a fact that no one was going to come and pull me out of my misery. No one was going to show that they cared. I had two choices: allow myself to be swallowed by blackness and misery, or to act and show people that I wanted to be around them.
At 10:15 I jumped in the truck and drove to Provo. And as I did the weights started to lift. When I caught the finale as I was going down the hill into Provo, so I pretty much missed out on hanging with people. So I went over to Comedy Sportz on the chance that I my friend Craig was playing. I hadn't seen him since before my mission. And guess what, he was there! I got a chance to see him during half time! I was so happy I went. I left Comedy Sportz to got to In and Out to meet some EFY counselors there. And when the night was over, I felt so proud of myself! I picked myself out of my depression and went to be around people.
I'm never the one with the stories of how someone came to my rescue when I was feeling down. Ive always had to crawl out myself. But I am always so grateful afterwards. Instead of having to rely on others, I have to rely upon my Savior. I remember that it's His love for me that matters. I always feel stronger, because I'm the one who has to act. I can't wait for others to come rescue me. And because I know what it's like, I have a desire to help rescue others.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud"
Today was quite wonderful: I went tree climbing! The weather has been getting warmer, the sun is coming out, and I just want to be outside. Today was warm, though the sun hid later on in the afternoon and the wind came out. But I had a marvelous experience in a tree.
This morning was a harder one for me. I was in one of those lackluster moods, not really feeling motivated to do anything. And even though some days are harder than others, and some days I get started much later than others, I've determined myself to push through and keep my routine. And I did try.
But after reading my scriptures I felt a bit better, but I just couldn't find in my heart to really push through and study. I felt very listless, and non-directional. I get like that at times and have to find some way to crawl out of it. Or sometimes I just feed it because I feel like I can't get out, that I'm trapped. Today I was going to feed it. Focus on myself and my woes (which I generally have to make up, or exaggerate) and play the lonely romantic. I turned to poetry. As I scanned through the titles in one of my books one jumped out at me. "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud" by William Wordsworth. That was just thing! It sounded depressing and was about being alone. That was me! And then I read it:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
I read that and it wasn't at all what I wanted or what I was looking for, but it was what I needed. I was in a vacant mood that was not very happy at all and the author can get out of those moods by remembering that beauty of the daffodils. I couldn't think of anything to remember.... so I went outside. I found a wonderful tree and climbed as far up as I could go. What a beautiful world. I sat up in the tree reflecting on this poem and the beauty that God has given us.
Sometimes it's so easy to forget that I am one of God's creations, let alone that I'm a daughter of God. But as I sat in that tree the wind began to blow and I opened my eyes to the fact that God created this beautiful world. As the wind gently rocked me in the branches I grew closer to the knowlage of who I am. It was a process, sitting up in the tree, connecting the dots. But I am so thankful for that poem that inspired me to do so that I could cast of my vacant state and be filled with the light of Christ.
This morning was a harder one for me. I was in one of those lackluster moods, not really feeling motivated to do anything. And even though some days are harder than others, and some days I get started much later than others, I've determined myself to push through and keep my routine. And I did try.
But after reading my scriptures I felt a bit better, but I just couldn't find in my heart to really push through and study. I felt very listless, and non-directional. I get like that at times and have to find some way to crawl out of it. Or sometimes I just feed it because I feel like I can't get out, that I'm trapped. Today I was going to feed it. Focus on myself and my woes (which I generally have to make up, or exaggerate) and play the lonely romantic. I turned to poetry. As I scanned through the titles in one of my books one jumped out at me. "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud" by William Wordsworth. That was just thing! It sounded depressing and was about being alone. That was me! And then I read it:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
I read that and it wasn't at all what I wanted or what I was looking for, but it was what I needed. I was in a vacant mood that was not very happy at all and the author can get out of those moods by remembering that beauty of the daffodils. I couldn't think of anything to remember.... so I went outside. I found a wonderful tree and climbed as far up as I could go. What a beautiful world. I sat up in the tree reflecting on this poem and the beauty that God has given us.
Sometimes it's so easy to forget that I am one of God's creations, let alone that I'm a daughter of God. But as I sat in that tree the wind began to blow and I opened my eyes to the fact that God created this beautiful world. As the wind gently rocked me in the branches I grew closer to the knowlage of who I am. It was a process, sitting up in the tree, connecting the dots. But I am so thankful for that poem that inspired me to do so that I could cast of my vacant state and be filled with the light of Christ.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I don't start my day thinking " I want to roll around in intense pain today." Then why does it happen? Yesterday I had my ingrown toenail removed and I discovered something: I don't like pain. Okay, so who really does? But yesterday it became very apparent that I'm scared of any situation that would cause me pain, even if it would benefit me in the end. First of all, the gross facts. My toe has been infected for a month and a half and that just wasn't fun. I went to a clinic to see if they could check it out, and it was an ingrown toenail. That was something that I was trying to keep as NOT being a possibility; I've heard about the pain involved and did not want any of that.
So I had a choice to make: continue with the pain that I already had or allow the PA to stick needles in my toe and rip out my nail. I was terrified. I knew that I had to get it taken care of, I had to go through with it. I'm sure the PA thought I was acting absolutely ridiculous. Well, I guess I was. I sat there on the table as he was injecting me with numbing stuff with my ears plugged (I have no idea how this helped me) my eyes squeezed tight and I think I was trying to get into the fetal position. My toe started feeling fuzzy, good sign, I might survive this. And then he started to dig in. I couldn't feel pain, but I could definitely feel him tugging on my toenail and that just brought the possibility of pain. Again I started to freak out. I'm getting re-grossed out as I type about it. Really, I'm such a baby.
After it was through I ended up actually surviving! I left feeling brave and proud, like I just went though some tough battle. I was fine, I handled it, I was cool. The next thing to do was find someone to relate my adventures to. I went to see Maren and tell her about how tough I was, but when I got there the numbing started to wear off. I took a couple of ibuprofens and thought that might do the trick. Unfortunately they have to kick it. In the mean time my toe became un-numbed... and it hurt. Gone were the boasting of how cool I was, but I found myself rolling around the floor howling. Really, I was. I admit that I am very much a drama queen, I have too much emotion in me and need to outlet it somehow. This time it wasn't emotion, just pain. At least my over dramaticness has a plus: most people find it humorous. So I was able to entertain Maren very much until the ibuprofen finally kicked it.
Looking back on this experience my only regret is not asking the PA for is number (was was cute and single!) and so now another soul mate has been lost.
So I had a choice to make: continue with the pain that I already had or allow the PA to stick needles in my toe and rip out my nail. I was terrified. I knew that I had to get it taken care of, I had to go through with it. I'm sure the PA thought I was acting absolutely ridiculous. Well, I guess I was. I sat there on the table as he was injecting me with numbing stuff with my ears plugged (I have no idea how this helped me) my eyes squeezed tight and I think I was trying to get into the fetal position. My toe started feeling fuzzy, good sign, I might survive this. And then he started to dig in. I couldn't feel pain, but I could definitely feel him tugging on my toenail and that just brought the possibility of pain. Again I started to freak out. I'm getting re-grossed out as I type about it. Really, I'm such a baby.
After it was through I ended up actually surviving! I left feeling brave and proud, like I just went though some tough battle. I was fine, I handled it, I was cool. The next thing to do was find someone to relate my adventures to. I went to see Maren and tell her about how tough I was, but when I got there the numbing started to wear off. I took a couple of ibuprofens and thought that might do the trick. Unfortunately they have to kick it. In the mean time my toe became un-numbed... and it hurt. Gone were the boasting of how cool I was, but I found myself rolling around the floor howling. Really, I was. I admit that I am very much a drama queen, I have too much emotion in me and need to outlet it somehow. This time it wasn't emotion, just pain. At least my over dramaticness has a plus: most people find it humorous. So I was able to entertain Maren very much until the ibuprofen finally kicked it.
Looking back on this experience my only regret is not asking the PA for is number (was was cute and single!) and so now another soul mate has been lost.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I used to be scared of death, but I thought that I was through with that now. But standing alone in a room today with a dying man brought those fears back. I'm not sure what it is that I'm really scared of, but as I sat for a moment in Earl's room listening to the gargle of his breathing, I was scared.
Earl is a resident at the Homestead and he's been there as long as I have. He's such a funny guy and he's also tried to escape more than a few times. He has Alzheimers, but still a wonderful sense of humor. He was always sitting out in the main area trying to get the girls to come talk to him. Some days he thought he was in high school and wanted to hang out with the cute girls rather than be around "those grandmas". More than a few times as I was there all alone at night and he'd sneak up behind me and scare the life outta me. He sure got a kick out of that every time!
But Sunday something happened. He was taken to the hospital, had a mini stroke or something. But when he got back, he refused to get out of his bed. He started to refuse all of his pills, and he stopped talking. And that's how he's been since.
Today his family is all coming to say their goodbyes, and when they leave they're just going to turn off his oxygen and let him go.
It's really all so peaceful, so why was I so scared? Why does a dying person scare me? Seeing Earl gasping in air, seeing that he's basically gone before he's gone, maybe that's the fear. Being alive yet not living. Breathing, but dead. It's where I saw nothing. No animated body, or even the thought of a free spirit, but a spirit that was trapped. Maybe I'm scared because I just don't know what happens right at the end of life.
I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, I have no reason to fear being dead. Just the getting there :) But really, I love the fact that I know why we have to die and that I can see all those people that I love once more. I'm so excited to meet these people from the Homestead in heaven! I can't wait to see what they're really like, who they really are with out their minds being affected.
Earl is a resident at the Homestead and he's been there as long as I have. He's such a funny guy and he's also tried to escape more than a few times. He has Alzheimers, but still a wonderful sense of humor. He was always sitting out in the main area trying to get the girls to come talk to him. Some days he thought he was in high school and wanted to hang out with the cute girls rather than be around "those grandmas". More than a few times as I was there all alone at night and he'd sneak up behind me and scare the life outta me. He sure got a kick out of that every time!
But Sunday something happened. He was taken to the hospital, had a mini stroke or something. But when he got back, he refused to get out of his bed. He started to refuse all of his pills, and he stopped talking. And that's how he's been since.
Today his family is all coming to say their goodbyes, and when they leave they're just going to turn off his oxygen and let him go.
It's really all so peaceful, so why was I so scared? Why does a dying person scare me? Seeing Earl gasping in air, seeing that he's basically gone before he's gone, maybe that's the fear. Being alive yet not living. Breathing, but dead. It's where I saw nothing. No animated body, or even the thought of a free spirit, but a spirit that was trapped. Maybe I'm scared because I just don't know what happens right at the end of life.
I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, I have no reason to fear being dead. Just the getting there :) But really, I love the fact that I know why we have to die and that I can see all those people that I love once more. I'm so excited to meet these people from the Homestead in heaven! I can't wait to see what they're really like, who they really are with out their minds being affected.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Please sir, I want some more...
I've never begged for a job. Ever. But times are hard and I've gotten desperate. And guess what: it worked. After calling every day for a week I finally got an interview! Yay! But by the time I got there to talk to the guy they'd already filled the spot. Boo! But he continued to talk to me and was thinking about hiring me anyway. Yay! But then he found out that I was going to EFY and wouldn't be long term, so he turned reluctant. Boo! But then I pulled out the fact that I was an awesome returned missionary (they like those); and I was living with Wendy Jenkins and related to Brittany Jenkins (now Campbell, and Wendy was in the owners ward and Brittany was one of the best employees that he'd had); and I really really needed a job and that was the place that I wanted to work at more than anything. He told me he'd think about it and to call him Monday. Yay!
Thus ends that round of "Boo! Yay!" and the rest is "yay!" from here on out. I called back on Monday, he sounded skeptical still and told me to come in. He asked me if I really wanted to work there, I said yes, and he said I was hired! Weekends 7pm to 1am. I started training the next day and started my official shift this weekend. And I love it!
The people there are so sweet! Well, most of them :) There is Grant, who seems to find something wrong with everything. But for the most part they're all sweet. Like Betty! Betty Ball has been there for a couple years, and turns out that she's from the ward the Jenkins are in! She had a stroke a few years back and her left side is a bit out of commission. She needs help getting ready for bed, moving from here chair, or just walking. She is so sweet and is always apologizing for being an inconvenience. But I love her so much and always tell her that I'm more than happy to help her, it gives me a chance to talk with her.
It's so interesting to see these wonderful people and how they each react to their current circumstance. It makes me think about what I'm going to be like, and what I'm going to have to go through. I'm so grateful for the body that I have now and I really have a desire to take care of it. Especially my feet. For some reason, age really affects the feet. I want good looking, pain-free feet when I'm old. I guess this just means more pedicures :)
Thus ends that round of "Boo! Yay!" and the rest is "yay!" from here on out. I called back on Monday, he sounded skeptical still and told me to come in. He asked me if I really wanted to work there, I said yes, and he said I was hired! Weekends 7pm to 1am. I started training the next day and started my official shift this weekend. And I love it!
The people there are so sweet! Well, most of them :) There is Grant, who seems to find something wrong with everything. But for the most part they're all sweet. Like Betty! Betty Ball has been there for a couple years, and turns out that she's from the ward the Jenkins are in! She had a stroke a few years back and her left side is a bit out of commission. She needs help getting ready for bed, moving from here chair, or just walking. She is so sweet and is always apologizing for being an inconvenience. But I love her so much and always tell her that I'm more than happy to help her, it gives me a chance to talk with her.
It's so interesting to see these wonderful people and how they each react to their current circumstance. It makes me think about what I'm going to be like, and what I'm going to have to go through. I'm so grateful for the body that I have now and I really have a desire to take care of it. Especially my feet. For some reason, age really affects the feet. I want good looking, pain-free feet when I'm old. I guess this just means more pedicures :)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A Crazie Among Us
I am a typical Jenna. The Safley kind. And I firmly believe that those who don't know me well can get the idea that I'm crazy. This past week I've been carefully analyzing people's reactions to my wonderful rambling and amazing self. First off, Example #1: Last Sunday, for instance, was Fast and Testimony meeting. Bearing my testimony was not on my agenda that day. Or most people's, it seemed. Lots of lulls and silences in between each person who went up there. Finally, I could take the pauses no longer, and I stood up!... only to trip all over the people around me as I tried getting to the end of the row. Plus, a jacket reached out and wrapped itself around my feet and almost brought me down. So getting to the podium was an ordeal and the entire ward was there to witness my struggle. (note to self, don't sit in the front and in the middle on fast Sundays)
Once I made it to the top, I made my next mistake: I started speaking. I tried to relate my tale of struggle to getting to the podium, but that was met with rolling eyes and uncomfortable fidgeting. Okay, let's just testify. Unfortunately I don't have a very fluid, eloquent tongue and I end up rambling and throwing verbal upchuck out into the congregation. None of which seems to be met with understanding or even amusement. I walked back to my seat in embarrassment and I noticed that this time the jacket didn't attack me.
Example #2: Monday night we have FHE at the bishop's house! It took me a second to find, but I got there and I was in the right place :) I sat down and settled myself among people I'd met and was soon joined by my wonderful friends Maren and Missy. Comfortable, not too much out of my element, I was fine. Until the groups. Bishop counted up the room and put everyone into groups. He made one group too many and so some people had to break up and find new homes. That extra group happened to be mine, and I soon said farewell to the people that I actually knew and joined a group of people that I'd never met. Now that's generally not so bad, I enjoy meeting knew people. But this group wasn't the most talkative or sharing and I ended up giving a lot of input and suggestions and just talking a lot ( I tend to do that quite often). When time was up and we were supposed to tell the rest of the FHE people what we came up with, someone made a comment that was a bit hurtful about me. It wasn't that big of a deal, but they just implied that I took things over and talk too much. I was automatically spokesperson since I seem to like to do the talking.
So there I was, in the middle of the room, representing my entire group, when suddenly, out of nowhere, I realize that I'm in an awkward sort of position. Talking to the entire room when you're in the middle of it tends to make on spin left and right, trying to include everyone. I was on my knees so it was natural for me to just scoot myself backwards. I continued to talk about what our group came up with, but that was also interspersed with narration of my movements for the seeing impaired. I know the scene had to look a bit ridiculous, especially when I fell into the kid behind me. But people were definitely not impressed, and I could see the bored looks wondering if I was going to soon shut up. Add to the fact that I actually forgot what I was talking about and was truly senselessly rambling, it was truly the ravings of a mad woman. Now, I'm not getting full of myself here, but I thought I merited at least a smile of amusement, if not a chuckle. I thought that I was a little funny (not purposefully just insecurely so) and felt that others should see it. But my performance was for naught and I left my audience again in shame.
Now, even though every one thinks I'm crazy, this can be a very good thing: low expectations always lead to good surprises! As time goes on and people get to know me, my craziness can actually be thought of endearing and funny. I have hope that, while people my keep their distance now, soon they'll flock to be in my presence. I'm not being optimistic, just realistic.
Once I made it to the top, I made my next mistake: I started speaking. I tried to relate my tale of struggle to getting to the podium, but that was met with rolling eyes and uncomfortable fidgeting. Okay, let's just testify. Unfortunately I don't have a very fluid, eloquent tongue and I end up rambling and throwing verbal upchuck out into the congregation. None of which seems to be met with understanding or even amusement. I walked back to my seat in embarrassment and I noticed that this time the jacket didn't attack me.
Example #2: Monday night we have FHE at the bishop's house! It took me a second to find, but I got there and I was in the right place :) I sat down and settled myself among people I'd met and was soon joined by my wonderful friends Maren and Missy. Comfortable, not too much out of my element, I was fine. Until the groups. Bishop counted up the room and put everyone into groups. He made one group too many and so some people had to break up and find new homes. That extra group happened to be mine, and I soon said farewell to the people that I actually knew and joined a group of people that I'd never met. Now that's generally not so bad, I enjoy meeting knew people. But this group wasn't the most talkative or sharing and I ended up giving a lot of input and suggestions and just talking a lot ( I tend to do that quite often). When time was up and we were supposed to tell the rest of the FHE people what we came up with, someone made a comment that was a bit hurtful about me. It wasn't that big of a deal, but they just implied that I took things over and talk too much. I was automatically spokesperson since I seem to like to do the talking.
So there I was, in the middle of the room, representing my entire group, when suddenly, out of nowhere, I realize that I'm in an awkward sort of position. Talking to the entire room when you're in the middle of it tends to make on spin left and right, trying to include everyone. I was on my knees so it was natural for me to just scoot myself backwards. I continued to talk about what our group came up with, but that was also interspersed with narration of my movements for the seeing impaired. I know the scene had to look a bit ridiculous, especially when I fell into the kid behind me. But people were definitely not impressed, and I could see the bored looks wondering if I was going to soon shut up. Add to the fact that I actually forgot what I was talking about and was truly senselessly rambling, it was truly the ravings of a mad woman. Now, I'm not getting full of myself here, but I thought I merited at least a smile of amusement, if not a chuckle. I thought that I was a little funny (not purposefully just insecurely so) and felt that others should see it. But my performance was for naught and I left my audience again in shame.
Now, even though every one thinks I'm crazy, this can be a very good thing: low expectations always lead to good surprises! As time goes on and people get to know me, my craziness can actually be thought of endearing and funny. I have hope that, while people my keep their distance now, soon they'll flock to be in my presence. I'm not being optimistic, just realistic.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Oreo's Are My Life Force
I always thought a mission was hard. Well, because it was. But now I find myself in an even tougher situation: a returned missionary. One that has moved to Idaho. And has no idea what she is doing.
Two weeks and two days ago I packed up my little car (her name is Audrey III) and drove to Idaho. Since then my life has been fraught with adventure, boredom, and emotional roller coasters.
My first week out here was spent outside, walking in cold and frigid air (that's a gross understatement about the temperature) applying to everything for a job. In return: I lost my voice. Every day I would walk up and down the main streets, going into warm business and then coming back out into the harsh cold. I had quite a long time to think. And most of it was "What am I doing here?" Really, what am I doing here? I have people who love me, friends that I play with, and an actual room back in Utah. Not to mention a warm house. Here, I am alone, living in a corner of a house that they keep at 60 degrees. Why?... no, really, why?
But each time this question comes up, I can satisfy it. I can't answer it because I still have no idea. But I can think back to when I knew I was supposed to be up here. And I can think back to my first real night here in Rexburg.
My first Wednesday night, my dear friend Erin Price invited me to institute and country dancing. Sweet, something to do! I wasn't planning on continuing to go to the institute class, just was going to hang out with Erin. Writings of Isaiah, a little too much for me. But then you could get a book for $12.50 when it's generally $20, so I couldn't pass that up and it seemed interesting. So I left institute with a new book and a promise that I'd be there the next week.
Yee-haw! We went to what I was really excited for, the country dance! It was fun, it was hard, and I have no sense of rhythm. I mostly sat and watched, not asking anyone. I was still a little shell-shocked about being in Idaho. But as I was sitting there watching people dance, I suddenly had this calm come about me and it felt like I belonged and was where I needed to be. I felt good about Idaho. Which was great for me to remember as I tramped around Rexburg looking for a job.
After my first week roller coaster, of "Why am I here?" and "I love Rexburg!" I had a second week of roller coasters! There were less dips but when I dipped, I really got low. Those times generally ended up in a hysterical message left on someones phone. Thankfully I was generally recovered by the time someone called me back.
Now, for the more interesting highlights of my life! The institute teacher has turned out to be my new bishop. When things get repeated in my life like that I feel that something is right. Like I am where I am supposed to be. My ward will take a minute to get used to, but I think I'll do just fine! I made some friends last Sunday and at FHE, and hope to make more.
Also, there are cute boys here! One of my biggest fears was leaving all the cute boys behind in Utah. One of which works with my cousin Katie. She's been telling him about me and I got the chance to meet him for about 5 minutes yesterday! He invited me to country dancing last night, which was perfect since Erin was sick and I wasn't going to go by myself. I was all ready, I looked cute, and I was super excited! ....but I couldn't find him. And apparently he couldn't find me. Um... so in truth, I don't think I remember what he looks like. And I'm pretty sure his name is Sam, but my second guess is Matt....
But last night was still so much fun. Again with repeats in my life: two people that I met at FHE were at the dance! I gotta hang with them and we became friends. Also, there were two guys who are friends with Erin that were there and it was cool because I got to know them better and be their friend, instead of a friend of a friend. All in all, even though I couldn't find the guy I was looking for, it was a great night!
Two weeks and two days ago I packed up my little car (her name is Audrey III) and drove to Idaho. Since then my life has been fraught with adventure, boredom, and emotional roller coasters.
My first week out here was spent outside, walking in cold and frigid air (that's a gross understatement about the temperature) applying to everything for a job. In return: I lost my voice. Every day I would walk up and down the main streets, going into warm business and then coming back out into the harsh cold. I had quite a long time to think. And most of it was "What am I doing here?" Really, what am I doing here? I have people who love me, friends that I play with, and an actual room back in Utah. Not to mention a warm house. Here, I am alone, living in a corner of a house that they keep at 60 degrees. Why?... no, really, why?
But each time this question comes up, I can satisfy it. I can't answer it because I still have no idea. But I can think back to when I knew I was supposed to be up here. And I can think back to my first real night here in Rexburg.
My first Wednesday night, my dear friend Erin Price invited me to institute and country dancing. Sweet, something to do! I wasn't planning on continuing to go to the institute class, just was going to hang out with Erin. Writings of Isaiah, a little too much for me. But then you could get a book for $12.50 when it's generally $20, so I couldn't pass that up and it seemed interesting. So I left institute with a new book and a promise that I'd be there the next week.
Yee-haw! We went to what I was really excited for, the country dance! It was fun, it was hard, and I have no sense of rhythm. I mostly sat and watched, not asking anyone. I was still a little shell-shocked about being in Idaho. But as I was sitting there watching people dance, I suddenly had this calm come about me and it felt like I belonged and was where I needed to be. I felt good about Idaho. Which was great for me to remember as I tramped around Rexburg looking for a job.
After my first week roller coaster, of "Why am I here?" and "I love Rexburg!" I had a second week of roller coasters! There were less dips but when I dipped, I really got low. Those times generally ended up in a hysterical message left on someones phone. Thankfully I was generally recovered by the time someone called me back.
Now, for the more interesting highlights of my life! The institute teacher has turned out to be my new bishop. When things get repeated in my life like that I feel that something is right. Like I am where I am supposed to be. My ward will take a minute to get used to, but I think I'll do just fine! I made some friends last Sunday and at FHE, and hope to make more.
Also, there are cute boys here! One of my biggest fears was leaving all the cute boys behind in Utah. One of which works with my cousin Katie. She's been telling him about me and I got the chance to meet him for about 5 minutes yesterday! He invited me to country dancing last night, which was perfect since Erin was sick and I wasn't going to go by myself. I was all ready, I looked cute, and I was super excited! ....but I couldn't find him. And apparently he couldn't find me. Um... so in truth, I don't think I remember what he looks like. And I'm pretty sure his name is Sam, but my second guess is Matt....
But last night was still so much fun. Again with repeats in my life: two people that I met at FHE were at the dance! I gotta hang with them and we became friends. Also, there were two guys who are friends with Erin that were there and it was cool because I got to know them better and be their friend, instead of a friend of a friend. All in all, even though I couldn't find the guy I was looking for, it was a great night!
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