I don't start my day thinking " I want to roll around in intense pain today." Then why does it happen? Yesterday I had my ingrown toenail removed and I discovered something: I don't like pain. Okay, so who really does? But yesterday it became very apparent that I'm scared of any situation that would cause me pain, even if it would benefit me in the end. First of all, the gross facts. My toe has been infected for a month and a half and that just wasn't fun. I went to a clinic to see if they could check it out, and it was an ingrown toenail. That was something that I was trying to keep as NOT being a possibility; I've heard about the pain involved and did not want any of that.
So I had a choice to make: continue with the pain that I already had or allow the PA to stick needles in my toe and rip out my nail. I was terrified. I knew that I had to get it taken care of, I had to go through with it. I'm sure the PA thought I was acting absolutely ridiculous. Well, I guess I was. I sat there on the table as he was injecting me with numbing stuff with my ears plugged (I have no idea how this helped me) my eyes squeezed tight and I think I was trying to get into the fetal position. My toe started feeling fuzzy, good sign, I might survive this. And then he started to dig in. I couldn't feel pain, but I could definitely feel him tugging on my toenail and that just brought the possibility of pain. Again I started to freak out. I'm getting re-grossed out as I type about it. Really, I'm such a baby.
After it was through I ended up actually surviving! I left feeling brave and proud, like I just went though some tough battle. I was fine, I handled it, I was cool. The next thing to do was find someone to relate my adventures to. I went to see Maren and tell her about how tough I was, but when I got there the numbing started to wear off. I took a couple of ibuprofens and thought that might do the trick. Unfortunately they have to kick it. In the mean time my toe became un-numbed... and it hurt. Gone were the boasting of how cool I was, but I found myself rolling around the floor howling. Really, I was. I admit that I am very much a drama queen, I have too much emotion in me and need to outlet it somehow. This time it wasn't emotion, just pain. At least my over dramaticness has a plus: most people find it humorous. So I was able to entertain Maren very much until the ibuprofen finally kicked it.
Looking back on this experience my only regret is not asking the PA for is number (was was cute and single!) and so now another soul mate has been lost.

I used to be scared of death, but I thought that I was through with that now. But standing alone in a room today with a dying man brought those fears back. I'm not sure what it is that I'm really scared of, but as I sat for a moment in Earl's room listening to the gargle of his breathing, I was scared.
Earl is a resident at the Homestead and he's been there as long as I have. He's such a funny guy and he's also tried to escape more than a few times. He has Alzheimers, but still a wonderful sense of humor. He was always sitting out in the main area trying to get the girls to come talk to him. Some days he thought he was in high school and wanted to hang out with the cute girls rather than be around "those grandmas". More than a few times as I was there all alone at night and he'd sneak up behind me and scare the life outta me. He sure got a kick out of that every time!
But Sunday something happened. He was taken to the hospital, had a mini stroke or something. But when he got back, he refused to get out of his bed. He started to refuse all of his pills, and he stopped talking. And that's how he's been since.
Today his family is all coming to say their goodbyes, and when they leave they're just going to turn off his oxygen and let him go.
It's really all so peaceful, so why was I so scared? Why does a dying person scare me? Seeing Earl gasping in air, seeing that he's basically gone before he's gone, maybe that's the fear. Being alive yet not living. Breathing, but dead. It's where I saw nothing. No animated body, or even the thought of a free spirit, but a spirit that was trapped. Maybe I'm scared because I just don't know what happens right at the end of life.
I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, I have no reason to fear being dead. Just the getting there :) But really, I love the fact that I know why we have to die and that I can see all those people that I love once more. I'm so excited to meet these people from the Homestead in heaven! I can't wait to see what they're really like, who they really are with out their minds being affected.